finals

tonight when I got home from class I ran the tub and grabbed one of the books amy sent me so that I could relax for a couple minutes in the bath. I didn't want anything too brainy so I thought a novel would do me some good for a couple minutes. amy, apparently the post it note you affixed to the jodi picoult book ...not the sister one the one about the murder suicide... well even the post it note clearly marked this book sucks! could not dissuade me. I must be leaking brain cells from my ears because I also saw a blue tag on the book that proclaimed this book will soon be a Lifetime movie. and still I thought it might be just what I needed to come down after a 2 1/2 hour class on early language development. I read about 3-4 pages in before it got so bad I had to stop. Then I flipped to the last page to see how it ended. then I flipped around in the middle to see if I could find a point of reason somewhere in the plot. The only thing I could find was a brief mention of the girl's depression and how the boy knew she was a cutter, after she came to him, after he knocked up the blond cantaloupe breasted cheerleader... ugh. I feel dumber having spent 5 minutes of my life with that book in my hand. I can't give it to anyone now and I feel bad even bringing it to the goodwill. I think it might have to just go right in the trash. If I don't set fire to it on the stove. Well, It was a good incentive to get back to writing papers.

p.s. the other jodi picoult book was not nearly this offensive. even though the 13 year old thought in a very metaphoric manner that did not ring true to me for someone 13. also killing her off was such a 13 year old way to get an ending out. it is something we would have done in the books we started to write at 12. the ones about the kids at the beach. we could have written summerland or the OC but with tweens. but what do I know. I'm sped.

the only good thing...

about my weekend thus far is that I bought (rather Michael bought for me) 5 herbs that are growing in pots. I now am the proud owner of a sage, a parsley, a chive, a oregano, and a very sad looking cilantro. I am highly disappointed in the sad state of the cilantro as it is my new favorite herb. (this can be atested to by the folks who watched me lick the bowl of Nora's yummy guacomole last night just so I could savor some more cilantroey goodness. Also how cool are friends that make guacomole,salad with apples, strawberries, onions, and a balsamic-ricotta dressing, paella, and bananas foster on a friday night. Nora and Quinn rock my world.
Matthew just remains a puzzle. Anyone that after a couple glasses of wine spontaneously jumps up and says "lets do charades" and proceeds to get the members of the household to get the charade "The 2nd law of thermodynamics" in less than 3 minutes, is probably not from this planet. What remains is the concept that he hates mimes (or professes to) as much as the rest of us, and yet later in the evening he roused us again figure out the charade "Planet of the Apes 5: Battle for the Planet of the Apes". I can't even begin to think about how his brain works...only that I am glad there is someone like him in the world (even though one is enough)

wish me luck on my herbs. I really don't have any sunlight here and I give little hope to the cilantro.

also who the hell plays charades anymore. I felt like a dickens character.

crazy people who steal from me

so someone in my building (of only 5 apartments)keeps stealing my laundry detergent. Like I said it is a small building and there is a coin-op washer and dryer in the basement that everyone uses. There is a counter set up with everyone's detergent and dryer sheets marked with apartment numbers in sharpie pen (because we can't be expected to remember which brand we bought)
The first time it happened we had just come back from the store and had not yet labeled the bottle. good people that we are we saw the error of our ways and the next bottle we bought I labeled (A LOT) I put our number all over the bottle and the lid and I even wrote a little note from the detergent asking people not to use it because this particular detergent thought me and michael were pretty nice folks that didn't deserve to be screwed around with. Now I ask you. What kind of a sick person takes laundry detergent that talks?
I feel like I have been transported back to my days with passive aggressive psycho Julie. Dude, neighbors...if you need to borrow some detergent just ask its no big deal...but don't steal our stuff. We are very busy students on very low funds. We don't have the dollars to go buying bottles of detergent every week. Not even the really cheap store brand bottles. also how sad is it that you steal the cheap store brand bottles that we buy and not the other neighbors fancy Tide and Whisk.
As we speak Michael is going door to door to implore our neighbors not to take our stuff or maybe to scare them silly so they do not steal stuff again. now he is back and has had no luck but the people in number three were home but did not come to the door. hmmm. number three the only apartment that we don't know the people...
Any suggestions will be helpful and welcome. Right now we will have to wait to buy some more before we can do laundry, then we will have to keep the detergent in the apartment and carry it up and down 4 flights of stairs everytime we put it a new load. well I will try to be a glass half full girl and say...I guess it will build up my arms grr.

these things are so stupid

but kate needs mail...so if you feel the motivation copy it and send your back to her....hey copy me too because I need to procrastinate
1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? From Neurons to Neighborhoods-a government report on early childhood development
2. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 12:55am
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one yay for the laptop
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? not much of a boardgame girl, but I did play Parcheesi last night with Quinn
5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?all of em...addicted to the glossy goodness of fashion mags, but enjoy prevention and the mom magazines on the coffee table at home just as much
6. BABIES? um...sean francis?
7. FAVOURITE SOUND? guiro-wooden rhythm instrument yay!
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? anxiety
9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? I'm hungry
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? as many as it takes to find where I left it usually my coat pocket
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME: because I banned michael from naming future kids michael probably michaela
12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? blue
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? love
14. FAVOURITE FOOD? bread
15. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? indeed, but have slowed down considerably after my court summons and with my dwindling student bank account
17. SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? michael
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? cool, if I'm indoors
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 chevy nova
20. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? not sure...
21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? red wine-a shiraz perhaps (love the little penguin) or a chianti
22. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?two camping chairs and a blanket
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? singer, or artist can I do both? -also I guess I should want to be a teacher since I am paying all of this money to go to school for that
25. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Quinn, cause he told me he wanted to read mine but said he wouldn't send one back
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? still am
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? half-empty
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? mostly, but not the numbers
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? summer clothes and lost socks
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 8
32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Basketball
33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO
SENT THIS TO YOU? Katie's an angel...(sometimes) but really she is so cool and has the coolest job and is a tough girl that I love very very very much
34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? I second the beach thought
35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? fuzzy soft blue socks
that make me slide around the hardwood in the apartment
36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Beach
37. TECHNOLOGY OR ART? art
38. COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy....sometimes
39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? shoulders I guess
40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? when classes are over
41. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I don't buy CD's I wait for cool people to burn me mixes
43. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? butt (never knew the value of a good butt massage til physical therapy for the hips)
44. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? depends on your occupation
45.WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? in 8 minute increments from 6:45 to 7:45 on weekdays.
46. What's YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? my new whisk....or maybe my speedy wine opener or my fatty wooden spoon and definitely the dishwasher...I like the kitchen
47. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? practically everything but mostly ignorance and arrogance
48. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR 4x4? Sports car--but I'd rather have a new civic hybrid, b/c (my name is rain and this is my dress made of wheat)
49. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? on occasion
50. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Summer
51. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? freezing people or time or something like that or the iceman thing where he makes those little ice highways to slide around on
52. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?nope
53. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Not even a little bit.
54. WHAT\'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? some imaginary good day that is perpetually about 5 years away
55. WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? sushi apparently its what evil tastes like yum wasabi
56. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO\'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? michael
57. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? Katie. She rules
58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? the tom & jerry where they run the water in the sink and open the refrigerator and turn the kitchen into a skating rink and use the jello mold as a light gel
59. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? sushi, or chinese, or cool stuff that I cook....yum. food.
60. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? I think I would like to go sailing in the Mediterranean
61. DO YOU HAVE PETS? not yet.

welcome

everyone give a shout out to Dave. (everyone being the three other people that read this)
not sure it is a good idea to tell my family about my blog but you know I was never good at keeping my mouth shut.
anyway, how cool is it to read your name on the INTERNET?!! huh?

tonight was insane marxist theories. that class is so convoluted I have no idea how my final will turn out. luckily the prof does not believe in the normal curves and gives good grades for showing up and showing that you have a brain and can use it to read and form your own opinions.

part 1: My personal soundtrack* (why my personal soundtrack sucks)**

"say goodbye to hollywood, say goodbye my baby...say goodbye to hollywood, say goodbye my baby"

how much does it suck to have obscure billy joel in my head at work.
I totally wish I could change stations. the worst thing about my personal soundtrack is that it has no reference. I can't remember the last time I actually listened to any billy joel, so how I have no idea how it attaches itself to my brain in the middle of the work day.

I guess I should be thankful that today it is not showtunes (like yesterday...."everthins up to date in Kansas city")

*if you are new to the concept of my personal soundtrack it is the music that is in my head almost 24/7. I can turn it off if suitably occupied, in class, at a movie, other great music can help. but it is like my brain needs more activity than I can provide during work, so if I do not have music it will provide some. I think this explains my fascination with movie soundtracks. can you imagine the excitement if my life was accompanied aloud by my personal soundtrack? unfortunately most times it is not accurate to the mood of real life.

** this is probably part one of a series...just in case the soundtrack ever gets cool, you too can be in on the action. dance party baby.

slacker....but I can cook

so tonight I did no homework none, not even a little, haven't even opened a book
but I did make veggie burritos. half way through I realized that we didn't have salsa and the salsa container in the fridge was one michael was re-using to hold hot sauce. but I solved that ...so here is what I did.
I kept in separate containers so that when alyssa came she could pick and choose what she like and how much
first
sauteed a sliced green pepper and red pepper, a finely chopped clove of garlic, and an onion in some olive oil. also added a finely chopped jalapeno. I was not feeling too spicy tonight so I took out the seeds. added some fresh cilantro and some oregano...yum. cook but make sure veggies stay slightly crispy.
then
quick cook rice add chopped cilantro and mix
then
mash two + avocados with lime juice some chopped jalapeno and salt...yummy
then
empty a can of black beans into a pan with their liquor (I read that in a cook book, doesn't it sound better than bean goop) season with cilantro, cumin, cayenne, chilis until it smells and tastes yummy.
finally
the salsa I forgot slammed together quickly. I already used all the peppers in the saute oops so. this is....1 large chopped tomato, 1/2 chopped onion, more chopped cilantro (its in everything yay!) another jalapeno, again leave in seeds if you want it spicy. I squeezed in some lime juice and added a little ketchup. the ketchup is good because it makes the less than ripe tomatoes better, it also adds just the right amount of sugar and vinegar to make the salsa taste good fast without having to sit around and meld together the flavors of everything.
grate some cheddar or jack cheese, and put out some sour cream and things are ready to go.
all you have to do is nuke some burrito wrappers then you can just move down the line and create your own veggie burrito to taste....
this is fast and you can make a ton and have leftovers.
the only thing that takes a little while is the chopping and it goes a lot faster if you don't have to make salsa.
the other thing I forgot was lettuce...but I didn't have a replacement for that.

not that I think I am special....

but I keep having these minor breakdowns trying to get 4 classes worth of work done over the weekend. I feel like the people I am hanging out with (stupid CCM) just have time to do what they like and I start to feel bitter about having a day job. Then what I realized this weekend was the only thing I ever really get done is that which is immediately due monday night. sad that it took me 7 weeks into a 10 week quarter to figure out that gem. the rough part is not having any time to do anything fun. (or even do any laundry --now that is sad) I keep making plans and thinking I will have fun on the weekend and then the enormity of the work I need to accomplish smacks me in the head and I start to cancel plans and pout about how overwhelming it all is. This leads to forced inactivity. Where not only do I have more to accomplish in two days than is humanly possible but I also am sitting on the futon with a book open on my lap thinking about day time tv and wishing I had better cable.
my new wisdom is existentialism...which I can never seriously embrace as I am obsessed with time and with my grades. so instead I will just try to finish my papers the day before they are due and have the usual meltdown during the week before finals week. do you remember going to school when you used to get a couple days off before finals for studying...yeah that doesn't exist anymore. and for grad school all of my final projects are due the week before finals. ( I think the profs are lazy and don't want to grade these long ass projects over one weekend when grades are due in on monday)
so along with a meltdown last weekend I went to a piano recital, went hiking and to the cool ben folds concert. I also did all my reading for monday and my presentation. not too bad. now I just have to get on it for the stuff due wednesday....

jealous?

I went to see Ben Folds last night.
The show was really good.

ouch

can somebody advise me how to deal with wedding stuff
without hurting anyone's feelings or bothering anyone?

I really want to skip the whole thing and elope but I think that will piss off more people (including michael) than holding an actual event.

I hate the whole idea of the actual event especially the ungodly sums of money that I will either owe a credit card company or get from the parents.

ack.
I don't even want to think about it.
bleh

why I am marrying this guy

because I have been mildly pouty all night.
he sits beside me and kisses my neck and doesn't even complain when I accidently elbow him in the neck...I meant to hit the shoulder.
he gets up to make himself a drink and offers to get me something
he opens a bottle of the yellow tail shiraz and gets me a glass before he makes his drink.
I really like this boy.

the week thus far...in a disjointed manner

I don't update on here, yet I obsessively check other blogs I read. It is the only thing left I can use to procrastinate other than eating and sleeping.
I have things going on in my life. things other than the usual eating, sleeping, working, class, and homework. things that make my body thrum inside with something between anxiety and anticipation. I want to write about things but have been reminded recently that things that I talk about, that I feel connected to and obliterated or driven by are not always my things alone to talk about...so existential crises aside...
I guess if I was truly aware I would be feeling this feeling all the time. because what happens in our lives is fragile and easily changed, however it is difficult to remember things can change when you exist in the routine of work and school and sleep.
food
too busy or too lazy to cook. yesterday was chipotle...mmmm. because I didn't have any cilantro at home, I needed to go out.
last night I went to bed very early to see if it would make today better. I set my alarm for 5:45pm accidently and then woke up at 7:30am, so that didn't really work.
I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies an evening wherein I sit on the couch and have a beer instead of writing a paper. maybe I should have had beer and a paper. maybe I should have another and start that paper now.

food

I finally got out of bed (due to hunger) so me and michael cooked like crazy. we made some more bruschetta as a snack and to use up the cherry tomatoes, and Michael made some mushroom soup. (He is still experimenting with that recipe but I will post it when we have it down.) Then I made a pie. Here is the recipe for that one. I will call it apple pie with anchorage pie crust because I got the crust recipe from the mother of a former work study student in my office at Duke. I can't remember her name ...wait no...I think her name was Kelly, but all I remember is her mom made good pies. Kelly didn't know you could buy a slice of pie or a whole pie at the store until college. She thought they were something you had to make...so here is the recipe because I know you are tired of my unpunctuated ranting

2 c. flour
1 tsp. salt (I used sea salt this time)
2/3 a cup shortening (visually separated into 3 parts fill 2 with shortening and 1 with unsalted butter)
5-7 T. very very cold water (add 5 then see if you need more)

mix ingredients with a pastry cutter (I don't have one of these so I use two knives or a fork but I lust after pastry cutters and other kitchen gadgets that I will one day register for if I ever set a date for the wedding) form into a ball. try not to touch it or play with it more than you have to or it will get tough. break into two equal size pieces and wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate.

core & peel 4-6 granny smith apples and slice thin. make sure to slice out that hard part in the middle it is not nice to get in your mouth later. mix slices in a bowl with 2/3-3/4 c. sugar, tsp. cinnamon, dash of nutmeg and 2T flour. you can also make a prettier pie by layering the apple slices with the sugar mixture...but I was too lazy for that tonight.

roll out the dough (this is tricky but like I told michael when he tried this for the first time tonight. the ingredients are good and the pie will taste good even if it is not martha stewart perfect) keep the counter and the rolling pin (or for pathetic people like me in college old wine bottle or pint glass) lightly covered in flour. this is like play-doh...it will stick to itself so be careful. if it gets bad you can always scrape it up with a spatula and stick it together in places with some warm water.

lay one section in the pie pan, pour in the apple mixture. lay the other section on top. be as martha as you like here on the edges, the easiest thing to do is press it together with a fork. make some vents in the top for steam to escape. again if you want to get fancy you can brush the top with egg wash (1 egg yolk, 1T water mixed) this will make the top shiny. or you can put some granulated sugar on top. or both.

let me know how it goes or if you have any questions.
suggestions-use more cinnamon if you like...I am not a cinnamonny kind of girl
use other types of apples...I like the granny smiths for everything because they are sour. most people suggest them for pies but you may want to use something else.
mine just came out of the oven...I will let you know how it tastes as soon as it cools.

the weekend (in a nutshell)

which always makes me picture disney chip and dale chipmunks paddling down a stream in a nutshell.

Friday night I got my tax return and my paycheck and proceeded to spend gobs of money on a lovely dinner out with friends and then went to see Julianna in the play Oleanna. It was nice to do something cultural for a change, as my usual friday night consists of drinking until I fall asleep, eating junkfood and hanging out with friends (wow I love those friday nights...mmm, junk food)
Oleanna was thought provoking but with some stilted language. it would be good to read the play.

Saturday was an exciting day of scrubbing the bathroom and writing a paper on the nature of cognitive develop ( I know you wish you had my life) the high point was a trip to the grocery store where I spent even more money but have so much food to show for it in a typically american over consumer fashion.

Today: I have spent the entire day in bed. except for brief bathroom breaks and a foray into the kitchen for food (yum fresh berries in vanilla yogurt with walnuts and granola, hot tea with cream and sugar mmmm) This is not to say that I am not getting things done. Of course I am that is what the laptop is for. I have completed a powerpoint presentation on organizational methods for the child with autistic spectrum disorder and moved all of my files off of the other computers and onto this computer. The bedroom is a good place to work because there is no tv here so I am not sucked into an E! true hollywood stories and there is a door so I can block out the sounds of the movie michael is scoring (Core, it is highly exciting did you ever see it? don't)

I feel like I should get out and do more exciting things. I do live in a city even if it is Cincinnati, yet I also am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to complete all of my school work even if I never watch tv again.

Hope your weekends were good and filled with yummy food and drink.

tonight

I went to class and felt disconnected and confused. my prof talks to the class of forty people as if we are ten people and wants feedback, but mouthy me doesn't know what to do. I want to jabber and write down stuff to send him an email later about all the things I am thinking in class and the questions I have but the material is so complicated it is all I can do to hang on to the edge. I wish it was a seminar size instead of this stupid mass lecture. I wish at my age I knew how to connect to people in some sort of meaningful way. Meaningful enough so that I would not have to feel like I was asking for someones first born child when I wanted a recommendation.

other stuff:
I went to Leanne's viola recital this evening. It was good. I need to do more for me. More art and enjoying things outside of my living room.
This Friday we are going to a play, so that is a good start, also that way I will have saturday and sunday for 2 papers and a presentation.

We made Bruschetta tonight. Usually I use more fresh ingredients but this is the pared down recipe.

~1 1/2 pints cherry or grape tomatoes halved
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp basil
2 cloves fresh garlic smashed and chopped fine
1/4c. romano fresh grated
1/4 c. parmesan from the shaker
pinch of thyme
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 tsp ground pepper
1/4 tsp sugar
3-4 T extra virgin olive oil
2 T balsamic vinegar
2 T red wine vinegar

mix this together in a bowl. all measurements are approximate because I didn't measure anything. I would usually use fresh basil and fresh mozzarella too, but I did not have any, so grind the dried herbs in your palm to get them going before you toss in. Taste as you go. Sugar is optional, more necessary in winter when the tomatoes aren't as fantastic.

slice a loaf of french bread into slices, thinner if you want them crispier. spray or brush olive oil on both sides of toasts and broil for approx. 10 minutes or until golden and of desired crispiness.

take hot breads (crostinis) out of the oven. take a clove of garlic, peel and slice in half. lightly rub the garlic on the crostinis. If you are not a garlic lover skip this step the garlic taste will permeate the bread in a fantastic way but awfully strong if you are not a garlic lover.

open a fantastic bottle of red wine, light red candles, put tomato mixtures on bread and toast the Chinese New Year with all your lucky red colored foods.*

*I know nothing about the chinese new year other than it is today and red is a lucky color.


Tell me how it goes if you make it and how the amounts are. It will definitely help with the christmas cookbook

recipes

by the way,
I will be starting to post recipes soon
so try them out and then tell me if I screwed up on the amounts or if you added something that made it spectacular. that way when I am poor and jobless next year I can give my family & friends a kick ass cookbook for christmas!

so look for them...


they are coming....

a la dooce I am: Feeling Guilty

because I think I am going to stay home and work on my midterm and make some dinner (read watch bad day time tv) instead of volunteering at an afterschool program. but really the guilt is good, it will make me more apt to go next week. (APT! random inappropriate lisa simpson reference that I couldn't bear to leave out)

michael is a wonderful boy and spent an One and a half hours at walmart while the guys tried to find the nail in my tire that kept making it go flat at inopportune times (is there ever an opportune time)

apparently I am very punchy today.

Nora we still have lots of leftovers so if you want to come over for dinner and bring that boy you hang out with that's cool. anyone else I know in cincy can come too, but if lots of people come I might have to actually cook something.

because you care

Last night I had a dream where I was in high school. Michael was there (in a very arbitrary sort of way). It was all drama, and choir, and lunch. Lorelei Gilmore and Katherine Hepburn (older) were in the school play and I was supremely pissed that I was not. skulking around backstage and trying to sneak into the fancy shmancy velvet seats auditorium.

When I woke up, I told Michael I dreamed I was in High School...

He said he did too. (his dream included math, english, science etc.)

weird.

superbowl

YAY! eggles! (no that's not a typo it is a fluffia way of pronunciation...thank you amy)
so YAY! EAGLES!
boo...language development midterms.

last night I got my drink on with Alyssa, Nora, Quinn something like 3 bottles of wine...yum...cheesy dip. and now I must get to work, so I can minimize the amount of time I need to do homework during the game.

eaten

blogger just ate a post I wrote about my torrential mood swings.
my abilities to get homework done
michael's impending family doom and possible inheritance of some accordians
how I will miss our weekend rituals
how life sucks when you don't have the food network on tv to watch while you do papers on the couch.

that sums it up.


oh and also I am on a mood swing sugar kick, Dr. Pepper and poptarts for breakfast and a twix for a post lunch snack.
tonight may warrant a break out of the emergency brownies.
do you have a box of these in your cupboard? you should.

trying to gain some clarity...thinking I'd rather have another glass of wine

I am sitting on my futon and feeling at ease. with a bowl of chili and a corn muffin in my tummy and a glass of wine by my side (the fat bastard chardonnay). I am watching tv and it is my nice good relaxing night of the week. the only one I have. I spent it doing my taxes ugh, and filling out my financial aide forms for next year...again I am a highly exciting person. I need friends. I love to be alone and I have friends spread about the US, but no one who I know will come and play with me on a tuesday in Cincinnati. I talked to lili yesterday and I really need to follow up with dance classes we can take because if I don't start moving soon my body will mummify and the slow steady stream of alcohol will just help.
yesterday I had a minor meltdown after coming home from work. crying for no reason or maybe too many reasons. I am having trouble keeping up with school to my liking, which is not the same as really having problems and keeping up with life. I wake up minutes before I need to leave and race around the apartment wishing I had more time to boil and steep my tea....more time to iron and choose my clothes, and more time to just sit and breath by myself.
I like to be alone but I am cocooning myself in the apartment in a false effort to do schoolwork and really I am just watching bad tv and wishing my living room was filled with the people I used to know, in what seems like another lifetime.


also-I am so tired of trying to pretend I am smart or maybe insightful in posts to blackboard regarding our future roles as educators or therapists and how we will provide everything within our power to students, think outside of the box to give this child the best services possible. while I feel this is an important point I am tired of talking about it. At some point we must stop being idealists and become materialists making a difference in our world in a real way. I am currently just making a dent in the futon and wishing it was a comfy couch.

want to come over for wine and cookies? that doesn't go right? well A- you can have vanilla soymilk and I can have bread and cheese and it will all work out. take a road trip and come to see me soon. spring break starts March 21st.

playing

because I am not doing homework this is how I am spending my time.
I wanted to comment on my friends blogs, cincinnati friends. So I had to join xanga so I am playing with that. Here is the site www.xanga.com/nfancie

so maybe I will write there sometimes.
aren't I annoying, hard to track down, hard to be friends with....always moving all over the country or the internet.

out there

while I still compose mini blog entries in my head, I felt that they were silly and mundane and disrespectful to that fact that I am still torn apart about ashley's death. and more so about my fear and unhappiness for angelique. be well sweet girl. I want to be near you to hold your hand but instead I am in ohio.

on ohio
I am still in my winter funk. and not fun funk like michael's tunes, just sad wet dreary snowfilled cold ohio school ick. I am a passionate person, but I am tired of everything about school and most things about work. However I still come home from my good classes with my energy high, talking a mile a minute (in mom terms), freaking out about the state of education today and politics and the details of human development on a species level. I love school.

on loving school and hating winter
school is annoying and wonderful. I am completely behind and will need to literally hibernate for the rest of the quarter in order to get all of my papers finished. The only thing that makes me think I may get this done is the slow increase in daylight hours. The shortest day of the year has passed and now the sun is starting to rise on the way to work and still in the sky when I leave my early classes. funny how motivating that can be.

ashley

I can't even think of how to talk about this weekend. Back to Pennsylvania in a 8 hour drive...the only time I didn't dread the drive, to be near Angelique.

Ashley
I don't know what to write about Ashley.

-She was only 24 (did she turn 25 yet?)
-She was wickedly smart.
-musical
-studying economics (eek!) and enjoying it.
-had the same funky mole above her knee that I do.
-told me once that I looked like Jodie Foster (not really)
-would raise one eyebrow when she thought you were acting too stupid, or telling bad jokes, or trying to get one past her.
-was more adult than me at 13...more of a grown up than I probably am now.
-danced her butt off at Angelique's thunderstormy wedding
-didn't need to be drunk to do that
-overloved all the kittens and zoe
-fed zoe (the husky dog) french toast off of a fork
silly little things, I know, but just what comes to mind this evening.
I hurt inside to think of her family and the struggle of this last year and a half. these events often make me wish for religion. this does not make me wish that. I keep thinking of the description of heaven in the book "The Lovely Bones" not necessarily a favorite, but I like the girl in her personal heaven, outside the high school, on the swings, and only having to go inside for art and music. no bells ringing or mean kids. I probably think of this because I haven't spent real time with Ashley since high school.

I know only a couple people who may read this in the next week. so if you knew ashley leave a note...something you remember, it will be nice to remember together even if it is online. thanks.

I read, I watch bad TV, I cook without using a measuring cups...

reading: letters from marx...communist tracts. by putting this on the internet does the put me on some sort of government subversive watch list or am I watching too many movies. also reading (or should be) human development reports for government agencies....aren't you sad. you are missing out.

watching: E! true hollywood whatever between work and class for 20 minutes...numerous episodes of law & order, the simpsons, (instead of the nightly news and weather, which explains why I wore a sweater to work today even though it was 70 degrees --it is JANUARY! what is up with this...michael wants to find a connection to the earthquakes and tsunami but even a conspiracy theorist like me is having problems with that one. I did start to listen to a little weather...it is supposed to be 10 degrees by friday.)

If you would like to be a participant in the Nancy & Michael test kitchens, send me an email and I will start to send you recipes. We cook all the time, but are bad about using measuring cups and spoons. This makes it very difficult to share recipes with friends and family. Especially those who consider using the toaster, cooking. We are going to try to make up amounts for some of the food we cook and enjoy. Then give the recipes to you...then I need to hear if we screwed up in our guesstimates of amounts of things. like it needed more pepper...it tasted like ass...the noodles soaked up all the broth.

Yummy recipe this week. some sort of asian style mushrooms soup...ginger, veggie stock, whole mushrooms, green onions other stuff....yum.

headache

so, I love wine. but I really don't need to help my friends drink 4 bottles and champagne for one evening. Last night was fun. lots of friends. Nora and Quinn rock...they brought wine and pizza and junk food into my house. and I was eating healthy. the pizza was good.
now I have a huge list of things I need to do. including my christmas thank you notes and I am sitting in bed playing on the internet with my new laptop. This is the most expensive toy I ever bought and if it doesn't make my headache or my homework go away soon I think I will feel very guilty. Shouldn't I be saving for a house or something. maybe if I had a real job or a clue about what city and what part of the country I was headed to in next year or so.
Beyond that it is wonderful to hang out with so many great people. Also good to talk to them to realize that everyone's life is just as crazy. I want to lay out years in advance. plan the wedding/party that michael will love, figure out where I am living working etc. and I really need to do one thing at a time. Like start with cleaning my junk out in the office and paying bills and moving on to the big things as they come.

grades, rain, dance parties

did I tell you about freaking out about my B's from last quarter? Well, I found out today that one was primarily due to the fact that I inadvertently didn't answer two test questions on a take home final. I am not going to add up the missed points and recalculate the grade with the skipped questions. I am just going to sit and type and wonder how it is possible to skip part e of question 2 and 3. Do I just block out the letter e in outlines and any information that follows it? I would love to be able to blame the formatting on the computer, but when I read the questions they don't look even vaguely familiar to me. Like I didn't even attempt to answer them. That is pathetic.

other stuff

it has been raining in cincinnati since we returned on sunday. this is getting old. especially because on sunday it was about 50 degrees out and the temperature has been dropping since. So now it is rainy and cold. By the time I get to class my pants are soaked to the knees. I need boots or rain pants (do they make rain pants?). a 2 1/2 hour class is just enough time to dry out almost but not the cuffs, before it is time to venture out again.

tonight michael and I had a dance party in the house. it was fun but I miss Amy's cyclotron, either that or I need Michele and some fat bastard chardonnay to make it really happen. I suggest personal dance parties for your next rainy day/week.

bloomsburg

so eventually I did get out of snowy cincinnati. spent 2 days with my family and the rest of the time in bloomsburg. I will miss cafe mollo in the mornings or afternoons or whenever you get out of bed someone asks if you would like some breakfast. all you have to do is sit and look at the paper.

from the streets of bloomsburg I was accosted by a woman with a small child in tow.
"would you like the free gift of eternal life?"
me-"uh, no thanks" don't walk light goes off but walk does not turn on...must be burnt out...or the will of god.
her "its already been paid for."
who knew?


also favorite overly repeated quote of the holiday(from kate)

why are the crachet's all wearing red in the last scene of a christmas carol?
several normal child suggestions are thrown out by members of the youth theater group...then out of nowhere
"maybe its for the blood of christ, uhdunknow" --said more like a throat noise that actual words

and that is the end of my jesus talk for what I hope is a long long time.

in other news.
I am freaking out with the idea of starting classes again tonight and work again tomorrow.
I just bought a powerbook and I love it a lot.

eve

still in cincinnati and hoping that the roads and the lines at the airport and the planes will let me leave today. everything is on time so far.

stuck

so there has been a massive snow storm and I am trapped in cincinnati. (is this a circle of hell?) my flight has been cancelled and with a 40 minute hold I rescheduled. the taxi scheduled to pick me up at 8am has not arrived (it is now 9:30am). If I had any hair left (you will see what I am talking about soon michael, --I hope--) I would be pulling it out. it is a level 3 snow emergency...-"whatever that means"-mom. which according to the news means that if you are not a plow or an emergency worker you should not drive--and as an added benefit if we catch you driving...or stuck in a snow bank, we can ticket/arrest you. lovely. not that my honda civic was going anywhere anyway. there was a bus trapped on my block for about 2 hours this morning, it was sideways and blocking a lane and a side street. I love christmas. oh and the best yet is that the news says the airport has run out of de-icer. do you think the clerk responsible for that order will have a job in the new year? I wish that this snow emergency would go away if only to provide me with some mindless daytime tv instead of the constant news and weather on every channel (that is all channels but PBS, they are showing teletubbies and callilou---it must be hell).

christmas is coming...

is everybody happy??? whatever.
this morning I woke up extremely early to scare myself by listening to weather and traffic reports, then I went out super early to scrape and brush all the snow and ice off of my car. (a kind of circular process when it is still snowing) I got in and my (new) windshield wipers were doing a piss poor job of removing any water from the windshield. I drove (slid) around the block and parked in a different spot. no work for me today. which just give me more time to get anxious about holiday traveling and the continuous snow. (which sadly could be so fun if I was not here by myself and agonizing about the possibility of spending an eternity in the crappy no restaurants part of the airport. why do I live in cincinnati? wait don't answer that. it was rhetorical, I swear. I called into work (what a lame day to miss, the office move, holiday snacks, nothing crazy.) and to my mama so she wouldn't worry 'bout me. she warned me of the airline I am flying, its job cuts and the high probability of not receiving my luggage in a timely manner. I repacked my carry-on to include christmas presents and dress clothes instead of just a books and snacks. did I mention that michael forgot to pack dress clothes (and shoes) and I have to check a bag just to provide him with shoes (not sneaker, or gym shoes, or tennis or whatever you call them in your part of the world). so, while packing the bag I figured I may as well continue my tradition of overpacking and not keeping track of outfits to days ratio etc. I threw in extra clothes for the both of us. now if 'ridiculous christmas' does not fully outfit us, I shall.
can't believe I wrote so much drivel. this from someone who watched morning talk shows and weather all morning.

say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade."

"say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade." Think of the starving orphans in Africa who don't even have letter grades."-amy

thank you amy.

now maybe I can get on with my life. hahahaha

fragile

you know things are not quite right when the dilemmas of friday night sitcoms make you feel anxious.


stupid rudolph and your stupid voice and stupid nose noise.
why can't all of these cartoons and hallmark visions and animated dolls and claymation just stop saving christmas?


time for bed.

more from the waist pants queen

so onward to becoming the girl I loathed in high school, I am now checking online for my grades (which won't officially be posted until tomorrow) approximately every 15 minutes. Well michael got his yesterday why are mine not there yet? also because I cried when I did poorly on an exam and got a B in Language Development. Is it the girl hormones talking or am I really that upset about a B? I am neurotic, which seems better than being psychotic (which is a more applicable title) because neurosis are so hard and science based and oliver sacks-like instead of mental and intangible and guilty and irrepressible.

am I making any sense?

in other news (narcissistic hmm?),
I am getting lots of sleep....so much that I still feel sleepy all the time.
I sent out christmas cards (for real). why did I expect that doing christmas cards with michael would be a fun filled holiday event?, when really it was just us grumbling about not knowing what to write at the kitchen table and hurrying through. where is the hot chocolate sipping, christmas carol singing, warm fire, food filled table, laughter filled holiday?...just in the woman's day magazine filled with crafts you too can make at home from empty paper towel rolls, gingham fabric and buttons.
my I am on a rant today...and to think I have left this alone because I didn't think I had anything to write.

books

just in case you think I have been doing nothing with the last 6 days of no homework. Here is what I have read.
April Witch : A Novel by MAJGULL AXELSSON

also young adult books by

Gathering Blue (Readers Circle) by LOIS LOWRY

Meet the Austins (Laurel Leaf Books) by MADELEINE L'ENGLE

yes I read children's books to omany litereacy classes now not to, but I do not suggest the last one unless you reminisce of idyllic family life in the early 60's. ick. Gathering Blue is similar to the giver but not as cool and April Witch has some nice character development but I wouldn't buy it for a gift for anyone.

ideas

does anyone have any ideas for a really kick ass $40 gift for my family's cutthroat christmas extravaganza? (or one of those things where the presents get traded around the room a million times?) I am done with alcohol based gifts as I have done that route for the past 2-3 years and I am feeling like an alcoholic or like the enabler that condones someone elses...anyway. I also did funky house things and a painting by moi in the past. this year I need to go in with michael. so all ideas are welcome.

finals make me lame

I am boring because it is finals time. Too much work, too little time.
no time to read or take long tubs or to sip wine (well I squeeze that last one it a little bit). and nice michael read to me before bed last night. so sweet. southern thanksgiving was southern. there was pecan pie and sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. also lots of congratulations and bottles of champagne. what a wonderful step family.

congratulations to michele and joel on new baby Kayla.

the CEA's and one more road trip coming up.

still alive. but unable to post and be cool cause of papers ugh. so boring. I am sure to read about too.

Last night I went to the CEA's (Cincinnati Entertainment Awards). So funny, its like the academy awards but for Cincy. the video was great just like real awards ceremonies (with a beautiful female voice over and sound effects and swoopy graphics ....--and the nominees for best....--), Old St. George was too cool, with empty holy water fonts that had faucets in them (I wonder if they still work? ...would it still be holy? or is it just water now that this is a concert/event venue?) The noise echoed off the stained glass and other architectural elements that I can't remember the names of now. Michael didn't win but I had 3 glasses of wine (and its funny my cold is back full strength today....couldn't be the wine). People were dressed up in all sorts of cool attire. from hipster to ball gown to african tribal and faux pink fur stoles. and even down to me in my boring work clothes and bag heavy with books). Congratulations to Quinn! and Cathedrals who won best new artist. I hope there was time for free drinks boys.
I am glad we don't have to keep a CEA in our living room it was very ugly. Michael said I would say the same thing about his grammy. I told him he could keep it with is scoring academy award in his studio.
off to Greenville, South Carolina for thanksgiving tomorrow after work.

sorry about all of the side notes and parenthesis...lots to say and no time to type it...must write papers during pathetic lunch half hour.

just finished reading

two young adult children's books:
Holes by Louis Sachar
and
The Double Life of Zoe Flynn by Janet Lee Carey
I recommend the first for kids...the second...eh.
the first is also a suggested read aloud for both michael in the car and 4-6th graders.

also
Marie Claire...sorry the pms made me do it...what tripe...but the pictures are so colorful I can't help myself
Rolling Stone ...what can I say it came free in the mail...interesting eminem interview...also nice to see a long interview that had not been reduced to a 16point font and a serious of sound bites and exclamation points.

please send me suggestions for the break between fall and winter quarter...I will be searching for something good.

apologies

for the lack of motivation and updates. my procrastination has crept past school work and into my every day life.
other news:
-amy's wedding was a fantastic party, with beautiful cake and people and drinks and so much dancing that my lazy butt was sore the next day.
-dave's baby is huge...really as michael says "the incredible exploding baby" we love him anyway and assume his skinny tall murphy genes will arise when he reaches school ages and becomes all limbs, wrists and ankles sticking out of clothing etc. (besides that skinny babies are scary lizard people and chubby babies long to be eaten alive[in gingerbread houses?])
-john, april and puppy are like my idyllic lifestyle. cable and a puppy, a house with a yard, taking me out for dinner and drinking for a belated b-day. I had more of a life there than I have since...well since I don't know when? undergrad?
as for me...
I am drowning in homework, pms, wine, chips, and moods. an 8 of 10 is enough to bum me out for the day so less than that can make me cry. (so can cheesy commercials or just starting to try to think of how I will support myself during my year long --unpaid--internship next year) I am set up for failure. I have never gotten such good grades. ever. my dad wants to know what is different? (I guess he means from h.s. and undergrad) difference is my age I assume, I'm paying, and my work ethic has changed. Essentially I am proving something to myself. unfortunately my h.s. mediocrity was probably a protection mechanism, doing average was easy and stress free. Paper due today? I can write it during homeroom or the morning sports assembly. Now I am obsessive. I do all the reading. (really, all of it) where did this person come from?

at work

can I tell you?
that dr.pepper, with crushy ice and a straw
is like the best thing ever.
ah



also not having my thursday night class. mmmm

toner monday

today was a normal day until I reached into the fax machine in parts and yanked out the toner cartridge and proceeded to shake out the toner into the machine and all over my khakis and sweater. marvelous.
note to self....small toner cartridges cannot be shaken like BIG toner cartridges to get extra life.
half an hour later and a box of ultra size kim wipes I take out the new cartridge and holding it perfectly still, I yank out the ribbon (for toner nubees this is something you are supposed to do before you install) the rebuilt cartridge is a piece of shit and the ribbon shreds and gets stuck at the end weeping toner all over my already sad pants. (totally abnormal) I have officially been a "secretary" for 10 years now and this is ridiculous. soon I can join the rank of technologically sleepy teachers.
other than that nothing crazy
only a four day week
no class tomorrow night
no class thursday night hurrah!
not looking forward to the 10+ hour drive to the east coast thursday night. I think I will subject michael to children's books on CD. any suggestions?

p.s. happy belated b-day to sam. your presents will come never fear. love-me
gotta go back to campus to see michael's woodwind quintet in a new music concert.

garlic

I feel sorry for my neighbors, because when Michael and I start to cook the whole building smells like garlic. smells good to me, but probably gets old pretty fast when it is not the food in your kitchen. we have bruschetta, lasagna, chicken salad on the way for lunches. YUM.

oh and I got the coolest digital camera for my b-day. but I am probably too lazy to put pics on this site. However this one might have some here and there are some photographs of my old paintings there now. Warning that the site may look screwed up and is apt to change as I learn more and get more assignment for my static web programming class.

really late twenties

today is my birthday, but I have work, and then an all essay, very ungrad-like, midterm exam before any fun stuff. boo.

election anxiety

for future reference, is best quelled with beers with friends. Preferably at a bar with big tv's that serves 1/2 price drinks to voters.
***it is very important to print out the paper due tomorrow first, lest you come home several beers later and begin to make revisions.

vote

I voted. did you?

news

news of my school related anxiety is getting pretty old so, just one more thing
this morning I enjoyed the extra hour of sleep by obsessively compulsively trying to remember Cambourne's conditions in a state of half sleep and continually forgetting one or two. IMERPAF
immersion, m something, e something, r something, p something, a something, feedback. wow that was bad. I knew more of those in my sleep.
other stuff
I am mad at kate for not calling me before she headed out of louisville to pennsylvania. this is a heads up so she knows she should suck up to me on my birthday (the fourth), before we see each other at amy's wedding. also to tell her that I had dresses if she needed something to wear....
what ev er
I am such a whiny baby especially because it is not like I had time to play with so many many papers.
furthermore (I am in full on paper speak now) I spent the majority of sunday lounging/napping on the futon drinking gatorade, eating chinese food, and watching scary x-files marathon that was on about 3 channels. now I still have to finish my wednesday paper and my website. if I had a laptop I could watch tv and recover from my hangover while doing homework. yay.

speed and props

I am fighting off a killer caffeine buzz with the first of what will (I hope) be several glasses of red zin tonight. so much caffeine my hands are shaking. yay for dr. pepper 21oz. football special thing. making lists makes my paperful weekend seem do-able. I shall see. michael made 2lbs of pasta last night and our guests ate about 1/2lb. so we are having more people over tonight so I don't need to eat spaghetti and super chunky veggie sauce for the rest of my life. I NEED VARIETY. I also need more depressant or maybe a dance party for all this energy.
by the way, what are you dressing up as for halloween? if there is a party to attend I think michael and I will do a cutesy couple thing. Dionysus and some other toga wearing woman, Diana or Helen someone beautiful and ship sinking. because I have sheets and a faux laurel headpiece, and mainly because last year michael didn't have a costume, so I made him a placard that said "welcome great pumpkin!" and he carried a blue towel and wore a stripey shirt and oddly carried all night a jug of red wine. this year Dionysus will work the wine right into the costume. less like alcoholism more like needed prop.

lets worry about today, and call people radishes

so I'm sitting here thinking my life's not too bad. this is good and the result of talking to someone worse off than me right now, drinking a glass of red wine, eating a bowl of doritos, a cancelled class, and talking to other people who have completed the dreaded language development midterm, completed without throwing a clot (thanks to tom to working that graphic description into my vocabulary). back to my good old theory of not doing homework unless it is due tomorrow. and trying not to think about the rest of my life because it too, is not due tomorrow. so I am forgetting about or resigned to the fact that I will be living in cincinnati for another year, becoming a sped teacher, when really, what was I thinking!, I will have to eventually marry this boy who proposed to me. and while I like the idea of being married to my beau, the wedding itself still makes me twitch. where are we moving?, who will support me?, oh, I have to support me?! bummer. I want to sit on the couch and eat chips and read books. but really, I can take it slow and I can try to just worry about this weekend and the papers due this week and possibly those due next week. instead of things that happen next month and the month after that etc.
tonight in my sign language class a girl asked our teacher to teach us curse words so we could really start communicating and the teacher said maybe in a couple of weeks. that'll keep everyone coming back. until then I will just emphatically sign the mean signs I know that are more like things you would direct towards a toddler. NO! Stop that! radish!
yes, radish doesn't make any sense but I do know the sign for that. and date (like the fruit not the event) this is helpful. radishes make me think of fraggles and this is a sign that I really need to go to bed. (it was just a glass of wine, I swear.)

wasting away (in a very american consumer kind of way)

apparently no one in my household eats. they are one meal a day kind of people. and while we may look at menus and discuss food, eating is hypothetical, and they'll just wait til dinner. I am wasting away. and to think I didn't just leap into my usual saturday bagel sandwich routine because I didn't want to be full when everyone else was headed out to eat. but no ones going anywhere. this puts me in the position of cranky, hungry, unpleasable me that is too high maintenance to order a sandwich like this "I'll just have turkey, and I'll have roast beef" not only do I not like these meats but all the sandwich guts are the most important part. the bread, people, the bread, this is key, fresh lettuce and tomato. can't we just order pizza or chinese. vats of food could be delivered to my house and we have decided on leftovers ew. more food I don't eat. I have already ingested all of my left overs and I need to stay far far away from things michael has created in the crock pot with a side of beef or slathered in bbq sauce. ugh. the hunger. can't. type. any. longer.

anxiety papers company

my anxiety increases as this company and homework filled weekend approaches. my only solution thus far is to sneak michael's laptop around with me. movies (its soft glow lights up my face), dinner half way under the table cloth as I jot down lines. "who me? I'm not writing a paper over here." "no, no, keep telling your story. I can type and listen at the same time." that last one is for real. good for freaking out co-workers. also, can you tell I have some serious laptop envy? internet, my friend, why can't I take you everywhere I go?

bad

I can't think properly to continue writing in sentences so instead here is a list of bad dayness
1.head cold(and hurty eyes that go with head cold)
2. headache that goes with head cold and lack of caffeine.
3. forgetting to print out paper due in class today
4. begging prof to let me email it later
5. being asked my my classmate if I had beer in my waterbottle.
(if you must know it is cranberry juice with seltzer that got bubbly from bouncing around in my bag) yes, I like beer but I am in class tonight get it together lady.
6. collaborative projects (I know that is a given)
7. same classmate trying to arrange a meeting regarding collaborative project.
(nothing is due, I only have an hour and a half between work and class can't I just sit by myself, eat dinner and enjoy the free time--doing other homework. a testimony to my new level of geekiness, and if today is any indication, probably wearing uncomfy waist pants.)
8. spilling garbage juice on my pants taking out the recycling (now I probably smell like a wino, too so it only goes too well with the faux beer and bloodshot sleepy head cold eyes)
9. must clean house for future mother in law visit.
10. many papers due so many papers
enough bitching for one day right...so sorry have a good night
oh just a little more....still raining more raining keep leaving the house without an umbrella then it starts raining again. weird time of year where all buildings are either freezing no heat or suffucatingly hot. sorry really I am done.

michael says

I should use more contractions because my writing sounds too formal.
I told him I didn't care.
and then I said..."does it really seem too formal?"
then he proceeded to read my last three weeks worth of entries laughing out loud occasionally and pointing out my typos.
so I need to point out here that the guy at work I mentioned ealier in the week, his name really is acy. that wasn't a typo.
and I will try to fix some of the others.
also that my favorite quote from last night came out of matthew. "michael doesn't mean to be an asshole." all in good fun. its just easier to live your life your own way and be the bitch or the asshole sometimes. rather than tiptoe around worried about what everyone else is thinking. or (more specifically) what everyone else is thinking of you.

the "c" word

went to one of michael's classes last night (music practicum) in order to scarf up free pizza. really I went cause I am dorky and I think it is fun to watch live performers breathe life into new works. this quarters class is a ...wait for it....collaboration between not just musicians and composers, but also dancers. It was refreshing to see people make this collaboration thing work. I had to take a 3 credit class about collaboration and when I hear the word I tend to run screaming out of the room. maybe it is just easier when it is not my work. I am not overprepared and cursing under my breathe at those underprepared. or underprepared and scrambling to make it look like I know what I am doing. in this project the dance was choreographed and videotaped and the music composed to the movement. things were moving along, dancers were dancing or stretching out all over the floor the way dancers relax, music was flowing, a bit undertempo but things were really moving along until the last piece. and one composers need to unleash a 20 minute diatribe on open bar improvisation, why he didn't have a copy of his own score, why his piece really could not be conducted or danced to ....several successive attempts to conduct the dancers to the CD instead of conducting the cello, piano and flute. I stole a pen to start frantically writing. I needed something in my hand to keep me from strangling this person and running off before the pizza arrived. ack! collaboration my nemesis strikes again.

guys named boone

while stuffing envelopes at work today. (because sometimes I like the mindless stuff when it fills the end of my day. that way I save some brains and energy for class) I noticed that guys in the shop have names like boone and acy. this also reminded me of a customer that I sent a manual to last week, first name...sharky. are these nicknames, do you think? like the guys my dad worked with...pea head, goph, nasty, or is this an actual choice by the family? I have to wonder if having a name like sharky or ace sets you up for a rough time, or creates the playground bully. just like ashley...doesn't it just sound prissy. now to avoid any untoward anger from those named ashley it is not so different from nancy. when I found out that my name is used to describe "sissy" boys, I was not too suprised.

lunch

yesterday I ate lunch in Spring Grove cemetery. "by yourself?" Michael asked "sushi." I replied
my own lunch plans were starting my paper and answering phones. but when lunch plans including me happened around me, I didn't argue. I kind of wanted to. I normally do. But since I had barely glimpsed the sun, last homework plagued weekend, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to spend time outside. It was one of those fall days that seems cold but feels wonderful when the sun is out. there were ducks and fish in the pond. we sat on a monument while we ate. I love the idea that cemeteries used to be gathering places. picnic places. I like the day of the dead rituals. feeding your departed and sprinkling marigold petals. this cemetery is out of the ordinary. people still hang out there. they go jogging. the cemetery offers tours. much better than having lunch at my desk.

to think

too tired from school work to think, much less come up with anything interesting to say. all of my collaborative projects this quarter are dragging me under. and it is only the 3rd week of class. so here is my weekend.
work, eat, drink, sleep....sometimes with tv thrown in there for good measure
today I took a break and went to go see Shaun of the Dead. It is the funniest, gory horror flick. totally worth the hours of schoolwork not done and the free tickets cost.
then michael and I went to Matthew's for the chinese food extravaganza. thanks to Michelle for the extra dumplings. yum.
I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel. running and running all day and still ending up in the same place. I need to find a new tactic to deal with all of this work and the scheduling headaches that come with it. (that tactic should not be margaritas)

better

starting to feel more like me today. maybe its my pretty nails. or the prospect of dinner out tonight and this weekends chinese food extravaganza (with michelle's dumplings). whatever it is, you know I am in a warped good mood when even the prospect of the hated satellite campus class doesn't seem too bad.

mani pedi

so I went tonight with mari for mani pedi. my first pedicure. so this is supposed to be my pampered and relaxed evening and I dropped my wallet in the feet whirlpool. how? I have no idea. I think it was in my lap and it slipped or something. I can never explain these things. how sad. do these kind of things happen to other people? because by now, I figure it is just sort of the way I top off an evening.

necessary

is this really necessary?
"Ambiguous words or phrases need to be disambiguated "
from http://online.sfsu.edu/~kbach/spchacts.html
Kent Bach, Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry
SPEECH ACTS

waist pants and my head exploding

I remembered the tea today, but recently have been feeling out of sorts. it is getting cold and I am still trying to wear summer clothes. today I wore wool pants. waist pants, amy. ew. last night, michael reminded me that my birthday was approaching. it is sad, that I have to be reminded. and that as 28 approaches I feel like a lady that wears waist pants and her hair in a messy ponytail. I feel way too detached from good looks and fashion and way too close to mom hair and cat ladies. I don't want shopping to be the answer so recently red wine and chips have tried to fill in. I want to go to the emerald city and have someone buff my body like the tin man and even "dye my eyes to match my gown". that is just pathetic but I don't feel up to any beauty regimen beyond basic hygiene. can't someone book me a good haircut and manicure (not you michael, I am still pining for the digital camera) this may be due to the fact that my head is trying to explode. school, work, observations, fall allergies, and an intense amount of anxiety stemming from these things. All A's in my program so far....only place to go is down. the worst is when I ask people from my classes if they did the reading?, did they think it was difficult?, are they ready for the next project? etc. they seem detached. they don't do the reading, they already did the project, or worse they forgot there even was one but they don't seemed bothered by this. I have turned into one of the annoying girls in high school. homework nazi with waist pants. at least I have the tasty red wine.

hot tea

going to work early this quarter.
so I wait this morning for the kettle to boil.
nice hot to-go mug of tea, milk sugar, lid.
left sitting on the kitchen counter
so I guess today is a decaffeinated kind of day, as I sip cold water at my desk.

disambiguating

is it really necessary to use the word disambiguating twice in one article?

almost the weekend

thank god it is almost time for the weekend. no class tomorrow night, and two days of sleep. while concurrently trying to catch up on my reading for class and clean and organize my messy apartment. not an ideal weekend, I see your point but still one I am looking forward to. if only so that I can locate all the syllabi and figure out if I can keep my head from exploding before fall quarter is complete. I can't believe I thought I might actually have time to work a part-time job at the university in order to collect the work-study money I was awarded. yeah somewhere between my regular job, school and classroom observations.
also the university jobs pay an average of $7 an hour. I am so past that. I worked one of the worst campus jobs as an undergrad for $5.15 an hour with a lovely raise to $5.35 an hour and that was in the 90's.
Also this evening, I survived another horrific thursdayclass with my prof. who is so uptight her anxiety oozes across the classroom towards me. When I was driving home I could feel my shoulders releasing from underneath my ears to try to return to their normal position. who barks at students as the come in the room "who are you?" "do I know you?" I hate to say dude, but seriously, Dude. it is the second class, could you please pop a valium next thursday before 3pm. give it enough time to take effect. before we are subjected to your anxiety.

procrastination & apologies

I need to apologize here for my poor grammar and misuse of the ellipsis. "The function of the ellipsis is to leave out repetitious and unnecessary words, the function of pronominalization is to replace complicated expressions with simple ones." from Pyschology & Language by Bert H. Clark and Eve V. Clark. I use the ellipsis whenever I have much more to say and I know it is getting boring. I should be using pronominalization.
on a lighter note,
do you ever wake up with a song running through your head? This happens to me several times a week. It is always one I know but not usually something I have listened to recently, or even would chose to listen to. Today it is los lonely boys (unplugged) must of seen that at someone's house, someone with good cable that includes MTV and VH1 and not just the 3 local access stations that I get. Last week it was an indigo girls song, prior to that musical theater (yikes) song from Wicked. This has got to stop. Maybe I should purchase and alarm clock that can play music instead of the silly travel one I use. That way the alarm clock could replace my morning songs immediately. only that seems like trouble. there is always a chance they could be replaced for the worse. Then I would be wandering around working humming Mandy or god forbid with arms wide open.

love the waves

so I am home after the beach YAY! wonderful gorgeous perfect fantabulous weather. and even a round of miniature golf for michael. and I need to figure out how to relax and not be angry about school and all of the petty little things I have to do to get moving again in the real world. so for now I will leave you with my favorite story from the beach. Michael was nonplussed with the ocean on the jersey shore. They don't have real waves he says. As if he knows first hand. while angelique and I told "big fish" stories about the waves we remember from our childhood vacations. huge waves that you could not withstand, ones that knocked you over and knocked the wind out of you while still taunting you to return. So as we enjoy the sun and the surf Michael gets taught a lesson by the ocean. The ocean won. The only image you need to remember is michael creatively removing beach stones from the crotch of his bathing suit, after he and angelique were so rocked by the surf they could not return. As the tide came in so did the stones and shells apparently and if you walked 5 feet into the ocean you would be in over your head with waves crashing in on top steadily one needed to be constantly on guard watching for the next assault. we had so much fun. lovely.

not that mean

so now that I vented what I really wanted to say is I came home thinking I have the nicest roommate. He does the laundry and it comes back smelling clean and folded. I thought of this cause I just opened up the office window and it smells like the dryer is running with pretty dryer sheets smell filling the alley with april fresh air. mmmm. then I ate dinner and got all cozy on the futon and he calls. I forgot my USB cord and can you drive it downtown to me. and I do cause he did do the laundry. but I don't stay at the gig (bad girlfriend) but he still calls me an angel. all smiles and now I can get back to my exciting evening of television and homework.
have a wonderful weekend!

class is over and now we go "down the shore"

the class wasn't that bad. the books were $130 which is ridiculous.
more importantly. I am going to the beach tomorrow. YAY!

stupid stupid grrr

everything I just wrote about being angry, satellite campuses (campusii?), online ordianing (ordination?) and expensive books just disappeared. I have to go drive to campus now. grrr.

in pennsylvania we wear sneakers

still sort of stunned from the family overload this weekend. I don't know what to discuss. The silly bit that I shared with Angelique and Kate is about my dad's shoes. Or in Pennsylvania speak sneakers. as opposed to the north carolina gym shoes or tennis shoes etc. If you grew up in suburbia with working class parents that maintained their own yard you will be aware that your father owns at least one pair of yard sneakers. They are green from weedwhacking, flecked with paint and usually from the 80's. Even if he bought them in the last five years it was probably the kind of purchase where he went into the store and said "pair of the same, size 12" they are non descript reeboks. My father in a fit of cleaning and organizing the garage. (There is no longer a toy box as his youngest just turned 24 this summer, there are rubbermaid containers and a peg board for tools. It looks like an episode of clean sweep HGTV) Well he realized that he had two pairs of yard sneakers and decided to toss one pair into the Good Will bag or possibly if they were really hurting the trash. It took a couple of days before he realized that he had tossed one of each pair. Luckily it was a left and right so if he is ever suffering he will wear the mismatched yard sneakers until it is time for a shift down. We shall see.

airports

even on short jaunts, airports and traveling exhaust me. I am weary. But stay tuned for the family stories and school starts this wednesday. My mood swiftly swings from anxiety to excitement with each passing hour.

tomorrow

I am flying to PA tomorrow, so posts may be patchy. if you know how to reach me please do so as the excitement of a wedding shower and a christening and this much family time is making me slightly uncomfortable.

blatant consumerism

my mama loved that phrase when I was emailing her today about my new clothes. Yesterday I went shopping. I really never have the money to do this and sadly the thrill of new things gets overridden by the guilt of my consumerism and debt. Really I am pathetic. Michael bought me clothes from tj maxx and old navy. I am really cheap, as you can see my my choices in the fashion arena, and the phrase blatant consumerism sums up my reaction to the new Cincinnati Mills Mall, which is apparently just the old mall with more bigger stuff. It is scary like entering a dungeon. I don't know what all the stuff they sell is for. I guess I shouldn't cause it is not really for anything except the thrill you get from new purchases. So while I fight the american way and try not to consume myself among the new purchases, I swim in the sea of stuff that fills my small (no storage) two bedroom apartment. Where does all of this STUFF come from? On top of my lust for more and fear of drowning in the stuff I already have is the idea that I will have to register for more and better stuff in a couple years. I guess I should just flip to the Williams Sonoma, Crate & Barrel websites and start looking at all the stuff.

parking problems

This morning when I left the apartment I was walking to my car and I had that flash. The one that you get in a mall parking lot during the holiday shopping season. Was I in A23? Purple16? Why do I drive a grey honda civic? Usually there is a parking spot right in front of my place. But, if during the day I park on one side of the block and then go out and return and park on the other side of the block; I leave the house in the morning utterly confident to my cars whereabouts only to stride halfway there before I realize I parked on the other side. This morning I was lucky and I started out in the right direction, with only a slight pause in my step as this flashed through my mind. Other mornings I have not been so slick. On really bad mornings there are several people out on the block, waiting for the bus, headed towards school etc. and I have to try to think of a way to play it cool as I turn around and head back down the block. Oh who I am kidding? I am so not cool. and I am negative cool points when I do this. At least I am not the slap yourself in the head and talk out loud kind of person. I can quietly look like an idiot to all of those people who I imagine notice me. Truthfully those people are just as worried about their own look. One of my favorite parts of the Helen Fielding book Olivia Joules and the overactive imagination...life lessons...no one is looking at you or thinking about you...they are all thinking about themselves just like you. If only I believed that in 6th and 7th grades, life would have gone so much more smoothly.

laziest person on the planet

my mother was right when she used to tell me (while I stayed in bed to finish a book) "the less you do the less you want to do" I have spent the month of August becoming comfortable with my laziness. I even made a list of things to do which I promptly lost. Well that is not entirely true, I am sure it is somewhere in the pile of paperwork that was referred to as #1 on said list. I could feel good about my laziness and enjoy the things that I did accomplish before michael returned. However, with michael here it is like living with a perpetual motion machine. The boy cannot stop moving or working. Even when I force him into vegging out in front of the tv he still taps his feet or his fingers, updates the audio to his website, sits on the edge of a chair and looks like something pressing is on his mind. How can you veg with a person like this? On the nice end of this his perpetual motion includes doing things for me, refilling my wine glass, setting up the wireless connection, running to Joey's del to buy me chips.
.

untoward anger

things continue to be crazy around here now that michael has returned. I assume that they will be this way indefinitely. So I need to find my own patches of alone time, and me time, and steal them away from everything else. That way I can avoid bursts of untoward anger and further annoy the boy with the use of words like untoward.
untoward
un·to·ward adj.
Not favorable; unpropitious.
Troublesome; adverse: an untoward incident.
Hard to guide or control; unruly.
Improper; unseemly.
adj 1: not in keeping with accepted standards of what is right or proper in polite society; "was buried with indecent haste"; "indecorous behavior"; "language unbecoming to a lady"; "unseemly to use profanity"; "moved to curb their untoward ribaldry"

Yesterday, we attended my company picnic...something that made me realize how frightening my wedding will be. Except instead of introducing michael to everyone's wives and babies we will both be introducing our entire families to each other (not to mention friends). Do you think as things get rolling I could still convince him to elope?
Last night we went to the barnjam in dayton. michael played an awesome set even after almost having a heartattack as 9 people (a la a mighty wind) got on the mini acoustic stage and casually maneuvered around his elaborate setup to play such bluegrass/country favorites like will the circle be unbroken. (thanks to robb I know the words now). It was a weird scene lots of kids from University of Dayton and their 'hip' -read snooty professors history profs and some philosophy and one christian leadership....I don't know what that is nor do I want to find out. They seemed to enjoy michael's show so that was cool, but they were not the openarmed pachouli smelling, have some of my beer, hippies I am used to meeting at michael's shows....more like the young college students, just trying out the scene, natty light drinking, hippies. alas no good beer for me.

coke heads

tonight we went to see brother's past at the barrel house brewery. yummy beer. techno band with fancy lights and a sad singer. lots of synth and a keyboard player that plays 90's billy joel as sound check...very strange. but michael must support home town bands you know good connections etc. The drummer is cool, he wears headphones while he plays (big ones) michael turns to me and says that they are hooked up to the synth so that he can stay with it...later we find out from the guitarist/singer that they are just regular headphones. just blocking out sound and apparently the joke is that he is really listening to books on tape. I love that image. like dostoevsky with techno fading in the background as he rocks out on the cowbell. ridiculous.
oh about the title ...reference to 2nd or 3rd hand rumors about the band that I remembered while I was brushing my teeth...coke heads are really full of themselves right? gives you the feeling like you are on top of the world. enough that you would tell the locals that this is the crappiest place you expect to play on your heading west tour. well have fun in l.a. boys.

much more interesting

here is what I should have written when instead I got stuck and told a stupid, whiny story about my dreams and my sleep cycles so here you go....
everyone is very happy about the engagement and after some prodding from my mama (thru our work email accounts) I did tell her that the wedding would not be taking place in a church. (notably, not a catholic church) after waiting anxiously for her reply and repeatedly hitting the refresh button on my email....she finally replied. She said she expected as much and did not seem disappointed (at least not that I could determine through email) She also didn't think it would blow my dad away which is very cool as he offered to pay for everything and I didn't want him to regret the offer or rescind it. This is very cool as most of my wedding anxiety is linked to my family and their religious and --I guess the best way to say it is-- cultural expectations. Now I just need to tell them I asked my brother, Matt, to get ordained online. "Can you really do that, or is it just something you saw on Friends?" Well apparently you can really do that because while discussing his reaction over drinks with friends (or over friends with drinks?) Quinn mentioned that he had been ordained thru the church of universal light and happiness or something smarmy like that. Not for any reason mind you...just because...and it probably amused him. Matt was very happy with the website especially the price (free) and told me his friends already asked him to baptize their child. He will get practice with this on the 18th when he becomes 'the godfather' of our first nephew. So everyone is happy now (so far).

no brakes

I don't have nearly as much to say now that the boy is back. I guess this is because I am not talking to myself as much. I did find out why my sleep was not real sleep last night (other than waking up at 1:30am when michael decided to read in bed and then again at 4am for no particular reason). On the way home from work I was stopped at a red light that I knew would turn green for me next. I was ooching forward and I suddenly remembered that I have been having recurring dreams that my car brakes aren't working. I hope these are not some sort of freaky premonition but I doubt it cause when it occurred to me I also realized that these dreams are not new. They are not scary flying of a cliff in an accident dreams but more like having really mushy brakes and having to push the pedal to the floor and pull up the emergency brake to keep the car from rolling back into a parked car. Wow that is so boring, (it hurts) but it is anxiety producing at the time. My solution for right now may include vodka, as that is my on my list of things to do for today. -return books and movies to library-go buy vodka -give quinn microwave and random other bits of furniture from the house.
that way the boy can have white russians and I can have gimlets....as it was said last night at Robb's "I don't like anything sissy like mixers to get in the way of my hangovers" and I can get rid of some of the furniture that has been taking over my apartment and the trunk of my car.
**check out my profile--I think it was stupid, so for now I am just updating it with the books I am reading(these change daily or every 2 days and probably will until school starts on the 22nd)**

quiet again

two quiet nights in a row. but tonight michael is in north carolina, and I am back to my usual free library movies and a book and wine.
my only problem is that I have watched all of the new movies worth watching...and available at the corryville public library, and occasionally I have to move towards foreign films. I like foreign films and subtitles do not bother me. But it becomes a problem when I have a less than good movie. I want to be able to read my book during the movie and the stupid subtitles make this impossible.
well that is boring. but so is my friday night.
I have not set up anything interesting with this yet. no pictures or connections to other sites. But in my blogaholism this summer I know the things I do like. One of those things is connecting to cool books, blogs or music from other sites.
So here is what I am reading: On the Occasion of My Last Afternoon by Kaye Gibbons.
not my favorite of hers (Charms for the Easy Life) and not as good as the one I just finished Divining Women but still I enjoy her writing
(I only get NBC so movies are my only choice)So I rented Whale Rider. I knew it would be a nice movie to watch again...alone....that way I could cry the way I did last week when I read The Lovely Bones and I got to the part where her father smashes the ship in a bottle collection. It is so nice not to have to explain how good that kind of cry is.
My current obsession is Angelique's new blog. it makes me so happy and connected to her. And it may even save me money on long distance...but it will problem just make me want to talk to her more often.
(I am a library girl ---the amazon links are just so you can see exactly what I am talking about-- angelique put divining women on hold at zach's library or charms you will enjoy at least one of them)

also check out michael's site when you have time and high speed. He is going to add a bunch of new live Mp3's and if I have anything to do with it he will also clean it up a little and make it presentable. You can tell him I said so. www.michaeljohnmollo.com

BBQ cookout

I really need to put a moratorium on the slightly drunk posts because my typing gets incredibly bad and I am sure I am more immature than I usually am..(which is very immature in case you haven't met me)
so anyway...getting over the whole scary engagement issue...still strange for me cause I get lots of congratulatory emails and phone calls. Especially cause I spent the last month living like a monk...granted a monk that rents a lot of free library videos every couple days but still...

Tonight I went with michael to target and meyer and to matt p's for a bbq ( which in my house we always called a cookout --is that a regional thing? my 2nd cousin amy is polling her office mates). Michael makes my life so busy, when before I was a bookish monk. Everyday there are things we need to 'take care of' when I get home from work. It is totally screwing up my meals. I definitely need to eat every two hours. (that whole losing my appetite thing was a joke cause I really woke up at 4 am after eating only champagne and I had to go make grilled cheese cause I couldn't sleep I was so hungry)
It was fun hanging out with Michelle, Matt, Robb & Sam, at the cookout, but it is strange to have an instant social agenda now that Michael has returned. I really should blame it on UC leases beginning in September but I feel like my contented reclusive days are over. I need to make a resolution that I will go to work without a hangover next week. That way I can remember what life was like in August.