Tuesday, February 01, 2005

trying to gain some clarity...thinking I'd rather have another glass of wine

I am sitting on my futon and feeling at ease. with a bowl of chili and a corn muffin in my tummy and a glass of wine by my side (the fat bastard chardonnay). I am watching tv and it is my nice good relaxing night of the week. the only one I have. I spent it doing my taxes ugh, and filling out my financial aide forms for next year...again I am a highly exciting person. I need friends. I love to be alone and I have friends spread about the US, but no one who I know will come and play with me on a tuesday in Cincinnati. I talked to lili yesterday and I really need to follow up with dance classes we can take because if I don't start moving soon my body will mummify and the slow steady stream of alcohol will just help.
yesterday I had a minor meltdown after coming home from work. crying for no reason or maybe too many reasons. I am having trouble keeping up with school to my liking, which is not the same as really having problems and keeping up with life. I wake up minutes before I need to leave and race around the apartment wishing I had more time to boil and steep my tea....more time to iron and choose my clothes, and more time to just sit and breath by myself.
I like to be alone but I am cocooning myself in the apartment in a false effort to do schoolwork and really I am just watching bad tv and wishing my living room was filled with the people I used to know, in what seems like another lifetime.

also-I am so tired of trying to pretend I am smart or maybe insightful in posts to blackboard regarding our future roles as educators or therapists and how we will provide everything within our power to students, think outside of the box to give this child the best services possible. while I feel this is an important point I am tired of talking about it. At some point we must stop being idealists and become materialists making a difference in our world in a real way. I am currently just making a dent in the futon and wishing it was a comfy couch.

want to come over for wine and cookies? that doesn't go right? well A- you can have vanilla soymilk and I can have bread and cheese and it will all work out. take a road trip and come to see me soon. spring break starts March 21st.


Anonymous said...

I'll try to get out there soon, Nancy! I'm so afraid right now that I've made some bad decisions, and Zach doesn't seem to trust me. That really hurts.

nancy said...

I don't think you made any bad decisions. you are just starting out on a new path. albiet a rough one so far...I think it will get easier.

oh-and Zach is welcome to come too!