Friday, December 24, 2004


still in cincinnati and hoping that the roads and the lines at the airport and the planes will let me leave today. everything is on time so far.

Thursday, December 23, 2004


so there has been a massive snow storm and I am trapped in cincinnati. (is this a circle of hell?) my flight has been cancelled and with a 40 minute hold I rescheduled. the taxi scheduled to pick me up at 8am has not arrived (it is now 9:30am). If I had any hair left (you will see what I am talking about soon michael, --I hope--) I would be pulling it out. it is a level 3 snow emergency...-"whatever that means"-mom. which according to the news means that if you are not a plow or an emergency worker you should not drive--and as an added benefit if we catch you driving...or stuck in a snow bank, we can ticket/arrest you. lovely. not that my honda civic was going anywhere anyway. there was a bus trapped on my block for about 2 hours this morning, it was sideways and blocking a lane and a side street. I love christmas. oh and the best yet is that the news says the airport has run out of de-icer. do you think the clerk responsible for that order will have a job in the new year? I wish that this snow emergency would go away if only to provide me with some mindless daytime tv instead of the constant news and weather on every channel (that is all channels but PBS, they are showing teletubbies and callilou---it must be hell).

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

christmas is coming...

is everybody happy??? whatever.
this morning I woke up extremely early to scare myself by listening to weather and traffic reports, then I went out super early to scrape and brush all the snow and ice off of my car. (a kind of circular process when it is still snowing) I got in and my (new) windshield wipers were doing a piss poor job of removing any water from the windshield. I drove (slid) around the block and parked in a different spot. no work for me today. which just give me more time to get anxious about holiday traveling and the continuous snow. (which sadly could be so fun if I was not here by myself and agonizing about the possibility of spending an eternity in the crappy no restaurants part of the airport. why do I live in cincinnati? wait don't answer that. it was rhetorical, I swear. I called into work (what a lame day to miss, the office move, holiday snacks, nothing crazy.) and to my mama so she wouldn't worry 'bout me. she warned me of the airline I am flying, its job cuts and the high probability of not receiving my luggage in a timely manner. I repacked my carry-on to include christmas presents and dress clothes instead of just a books and snacks. did I mention that michael forgot to pack dress clothes (and shoes) and I have to check a bag just to provide him with shoes (not sneaker, or gym shoes, or tennis or whatever you call them in your part of the world). so, while packing the bag I figured I may as well continue my tradition of overpacking and not keeping track of outfits to days ratio etc. I threw in extra clothes for the both of us. now if 'ridiculous christmas' does not fully outfit us, I shall.
can't believe I wrote so much drivel. this from someone who watched morning talk shows and weather all morning.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade."

"say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade." Think of the starving orphans in Africa who don't even have letter grades."-amy

thank you amy.

now maybe I can get on with my life. hahahaha

Friday, December 17, 2004


you know things are not quite right when the dilemmas of friday night sitcoms make you feel anxious.

stupid rudolph and your stupid voice and stupid nose noise.
why can't all of these cartoons and hallmark visions and animated dolls and claymation just stop saving christmas?

time for bed.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

more from the waist pants queen

so onward to becoming the girl I loathed in high school, I am now checking online for my grades (which won't officially be posted until tomorrow) approximately every 15 minutes. Well michael got his yesterday why are mine not there yet? also because I cried when I did poorly on an exam and got a B in Language Development. Is it the girl hormones talking or am I really that upset about a B? I am neurotic, which seems better than being psychotic (which is a more applicable title) because neurosis are so hard and science based and oliver sacks-like instead of mental and intangible and guilty and irrepressible.

am I making any sense?

in other news (narcissistic hmm?),
I am getting lots of much that I still feel sleepy all the time.
I sent out christmas cards (for real). why did I expect that doing christmas cards with michael would be a fun filled holiday event?, when really it was just us grumbling about not knowing what to write at the kitchen table and hurrying through. where is the hot chocolate sipping, christmas carol singing, warm fire, food filled table, laughter filled holiday?...just in the woman's day magazine filled with crafts you too can make at home from empty paper towel rolls, gingham fabric and buttons.
my I am on a rant today...and to think I have left this alone because I didn't think I had anything to write.


just in case you think I have been doing nothing with the last 6 days of no homework. Here is what I have read.
April Witch : A Novel by MAJGULL AXELSSON

also young adult books by

Gathering Blue (Readers Circle) by LOIS LOWRY

Meet the Austins (Laurel Leaf Books) by MADELEINE L'ENGLE

yes I read children's books to omany litereacy classes now not to, but I do not suggest the last one unless you reminisce of idyllic family life in the early 60's. ick. Gathering Blue is similar to the giver but not as cool and April Witch has some nice character development but I wouldn't buy it for a gift for anyone.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


does anyone have any ideas for a really kick ass $40 gift for my family's cutthroat christmas extravaganza? (or one of those things where the presents get traded around the room a million times?) I am done with alcohol based gifts as I have done that route for the past 2-3 years and I am feeling like an alcoholic or like the enabler that condones someone elses...anyway. I also did funky house things and a painting by moi in the past. this year I need to go in with michael. so all ideas are welcome.

Monday, November 29, 2004

finals make me lame

I am boring because it is finals time. Too much work, too little time.
no time to read or take long tubs or to sip wine (well I squeeze that last one it a little bit). and nice michael read to me before bed last night. so sweet. southern thanksgiving was southern. there was pecan pie and sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. also lots of congratulations and bottles of champagne. what a wonderful step family.

congratulations to michele and joel on new baby Kayla.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

the CEA's and one more road trip coming up.

still alive. but unable to post and be cool cause of papers ugh. so boring. I am sure to read about too.

Last night I went to the CEA's (Cincinnati Entertainment Awards). So funny, its like the academy awards but for Cincy. the video was great just like real awards ceremonies (with a beautiful female voice over and sound effects and swoopy graphics ....--and the nominees for best....--), Old St. George was too cool, with empty holy water fonts that had faucets in them (I wonder if they still work? ...would it still be holy? or is it just water now that this is a concert/event venue?) The noise echoed off the stained glass and other architectural elements that I can't remember the names of now. Michael didn't win but I had 3 glasses of wine (and its funny my cold is back full strength today....couldn't be the wine). People were dressed up in all sorts of cool attire. from hipster to ball gown to african tribal and faux pink fur stoles. and even down to me in my boring work clothes and bag heavy with books). Congratulations to Quinn! and Cathedrals who won best new artist. I hope there was time for free drinks boys.
I am glad we don't have to keep a CEA in our living room it was very ugly. Michael said I would say the same thing about his grammy. I told him he could keep it with is scoring academy award in his studio.
off to Greenville, South Carolina for thanksgiving tomorrow after work.

sorry about all of the side notes and parenthesis...lots to say and no time to type it...must write papers during pathetic lunch half hour.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

just finished reading

two young adult children's books:
Holes by Louis Sachar
The Double Life of Zoe Flynn by Janet Lee Carey
I recommend the first for kids...the
the first is also a suggested read aloud for both michael in the car and 4-6th graders.

Marie Claire...sorry the pms made me do it...what tripe...but the pictures are so colorful I can't help myself
Rolling Stone ...what can I say it came free in the mail...interesting eminem interview...also nice to see a long interview that had not been reduced to a 16point font and a serious of sound bites and exclamation points.

please send me suggestions for the break between fall and winter quarter...I will be searching for something good.


for the lack of motivation and updates. my procrastination has crept past school work and into my every day life.
other news:
-amy's wedding was a fantastic party, with beautiful cake and people and drinks and so much dancing that my lazy butt was sore the next day.
-dave's baby is huge...really as michael says "the incredible exploding baby" we love him anyway and assume his skinny tall murphy genes will arise when he reaches school ages and becomes all limbs, wrists and ankles sticking out of clothing etc. (besides that skinny babies are scary lizard people and chubby babies long to be eaten alive[in gingerbread houses?])
-john, april and puppy are like my idyllic lifestyle. cable and a puppy, a house with a yard, taking me out for dinner and drinking for a belated b-day. I had more of a life there than I have since...well since I don't know when? undergrad?
as for me...

I am drowning in homework, pms, wine, chips, and moods. an 8 of 10 is enough to bum me out for the day so less than that can make me cry. (so can cheesy commercials or just starting to try to think of how I will support myself during my year long --unpaid--internship next year) I am set up for failure. I have never gotten such good grades. ever. my dad wants to know what is different? (I guess he means from h.s. and undergrad) difference is my age I assume, I'm paying, and my work ethic has changed. Essentially I am proving something to myself. unfortunately my h.s. mediocrity was probably a protection mechanism, doing average was easy and stress free. Paper due today? I can write it during homeroom or the morning sports assembly. Now I am obsessive. I do all the reading. (really, all of it) where did this person come from?

Thursday, November 11, 2004

at work

can I tell you?
that dr.pepper, with crushy ice and a straw
is like the best thing ever.

also not having my thursday night class. mmmm

Monday, November 08, 2004

toner monday

today was a normal day until I reached into the fax machine in parts and yanked out the toner cartridge and proceeded to shake out the toner into the machine and all over my khakis and sweater. marvelous.
note to self....small toner cartridges cannot be shaken like BIG toner cartridges to get extra life.
half an hour later and a box of ultra size kim wipes I take out the new cartridge and holding it perfectly still, I yank out the ribbon (for toner nubees this is something you are supposed to do before you install) the rebuilt cartridge is a piece of shit and the ribbon shreds and gets stuck at the end weeping toner all over my already sad pants. (totally abnormal) I have officially been a "secretary" for 10 years now and this is ridiculous. soon I can join the rank of technologically sleepy teachers.
other than that nothing crazy
only a four day week
no class tomorrow night
no class thursday night hurrah!
not looking forward to the 10+ hour drive to the east coast thursday night. I think I will subject michael to children's books on CD. any suggestions?

p.s. happy belated b-day to sam. your presents will come never fear. love-me
gotta go back to campus to see michael's woodwind quintet in a new music concert.

Sunday, November 07, 2004


I feel sorry for my neighbors, because when Michael and I start to cook the whole building smells like garlic. smells good to me, but probably gets old pretty fast when it is not the food in your kitchen. we have bruschetta, lasagna, chicken salad on the way for lunches. YUM.

oh and I got the coolest digital camera for my b-day. but I am probably too lazy to put pics on this site. However this one might have some here and there are some photographs of my old paintings there now. Warning that the site may look screwed up and is apt to change as I learn more and get more assignment for my static web programming class.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

really late twenties

today is my birthday, but I have work, and then an all essay, very ungrad-like, midterm exam before any fun stuff. boo.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

election anxiety

for future reference, is best quelled with beers with friends. Preferably at a bar with big tv's that serves 1/2 price drinks to voters.
***it is very important to print out the paper due tomorrow first, lest you come home several beers later and begin to make revisions.


I voted. did you?

Monday, November 01, 2004


news of my school related anxiety is getting pretty old so, just one more thing
this morning I enjoyed the extra hour of sleep by obsessively compulsively trying to remember Cambourne's conditions in a state of half sleep and continually forgetting one or two. IMERPAF
immersion, m something, e something, r something, p something, a something, feedback. wow that was bad. I knew more of those in my sleep.
other stuff
I am mad at kate for not calling me before she headed out of louisville to pennsylvania. this is a heads up so she knows she should suck up to me on my birthday (the fourth), before we see each other at amy's wedding. also to tell her that I had dresses if she needed something to wear....
what ev er
I am such a whiny baby especially because it is not like I had time to play with so many many papers.
furthermore (I am in full on paper speak now) I spent the majority of sunday lounging/napping on the futon drinking gatorade, eating chinese food, and watching scary x-files marathon that was on about 3 channels. now I still have to finish my wednesday paper and my website. if I had a laptop I could watch tv and recover from my hangover while doing homework. yay.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

speed and props

I am fighting off a killer caffeine buzz with the first of what will (I hope) be several glasses of red zin tonight. so much caffeine my hands are shaking. yay for dr. pepper 21oz. football special thing. making lists makes my paperful weekend seem do-able. I shall see. michael made 2lbs of pasta last night and our guests ate about 1/2lb. so we are having more people over tonight so I don't need to eat spaghetti and super chunky veggie sauce for the rest of my life. I NEED VARIETY. I also need more depressant or maybe a dance party for all this energy.
by the way, what are you dressing up as for halloween? if there is a party to attend I think michael and I will do a cutesy couple thing. Dionysus and some other toga wearing woman, Diana or Helen someone beautiful and ship sinking. because I have sheets and a faux laurel headpiece, and mainly because last year michael didn't have a costume, so I made him a placard that said "welcome great pumpkin!" and he carried a blue towel and wore a stripey shirt and oddly carried all night a jug of red wine. this year Dionysus will work the wine right into the costume. less like alcoholism more like needed prop.

Monday, October 25, 2004

lets worry about today, and call people radishes

so I'm sitting here thinking my life's not too bad. this is good and the result of talking to someone worse off than me right now, drinking a glass of red wine, eating a bowl of doritos, a cancelled class, and talking to other people who have completed the dreaded language development midterm, completed without throwing a clot (thanks to tom to working that graphic description into my vocabulary). back to my good old theory of not doing homework unless it is due tomorrow. and trying not to think about the rest of my life because it too, is not due tomorrow. so I am forgetting about or resigned to the fact that I will be living in cincinnati for another year, becoming a sped teacher, when really, what was I thinking!, I will have to eventually marry this boy who proposed to me. and while I like the idea of being married to my beau, the wedding itself still makes me twitch. where are we moving?, who will support me?, oh, I have to support me?! bummer. I want to sit on the couch and eat chips and read books. but really, I can take it slow and I can try to just worry about this weekend and the papers due this week and possibly those due next week. instead of things that happen next month and the month after that etc.
tonight in my sign language class a girl asked our teacher to teach us curse words so we could really start communicating and the teacher said maybe in a couple of weeks. that'll keep everyone coming back. until then I will just emphatically sign the mean signs I know that are more like things you would direct towards a toddler. NO! Stop that! radish!
yes, radish doesn't make any sense but I do know the sign for that. and date (like the fruit not the event) this is helpful. radishes make me think of fraggles and this is a sign that I really need to go to bed. (it was just a glass of wine, I swear.)

Saturday, October 23, 2004

wasting away (in a very american consumer kind of way)

apparently no one in my household eats. they are one meal a day kind of people. and while we may look at menus and discuss food, eating is hypothetical, and they'll just wait til dinner. I am wasting away. and to think I didn't just leap into my usual saturday bagel sandwich routine because I didn't want to be full when everyone else was headed out to eat. but no ones going anywhere. this puts me in the position of cranky, hungry, unpleasable me that is too high maintenance to order a sandwich like this "I'll just have turkey, and I'll have roast beef" not only do I not like these meats but all the sandwich guts are the most important part. the bread, people, the bread, this is key, fresh lettuce and tomato. can't we just order pizza or chinese. vats of food could be delivered to my house and we have decided on leftovers ew. more food I don't eat. I have already ingested all of my left overs and I need to stay far far away from things michael has created in the crock pot with a side of beef or slathered in bbq sauce. ugh. the hunger. can't. type. any. longer.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

anxiety papers company

my anxiety increases as this company and homework filled weekend approaches. my only solution thus far is to sneak michael's laptop around with me. movies (its soft glow lights up my face), dinner half way under the table cloth as I jot down lines. "who me? I'm not writing a paper over here." "no, no, keep telling your story. I can type and listen at the same time." that last one is for real. good for freaking out co-workers. also, can you tell I have some serious laptop envy? internet, my friend, why can't I take you everywhere I go?

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


I can't think properly to continue writing in sentences so instead here is a list of bad dayness
1.head cold(and hurty eyes that go with head cold)
2. headache that goes with head cold and lack of caffeine.
3. forgetting to print out paper due in class today
4. begging prof to let me email it later
5. being asked my my classmate if I had beer in my waterbottle.
(if you must know it is cranberry juice with seltzer that got bubbly from bouncing around in my bag) yes, I like beer but I am in class tonight get it together lady.
6. collaborative projects (I know that is a given)
7. same classmate trying to arrange a meeting regarding collaborative project.
(nothing is due, I only have an hour and a half between work and class can't I just sit by myself, eat dinner and enjoy the free time--doing other homework. a testimony to my new level of geekiness, and if today is any indication, probably wearing uncomfy waist pants.)
8. spilling garbage juice on my pants taking out the recycling (now I probably smell like a wino, too so it only goes too well with the faux beer and bloodshot sleepy head cold eyes)

9. must clean house for future mother in law visit.
10. many papers due so many papers
enough bitching for one day sorry have a good night
oh just a little more....still raining more raining keep leaving the house without an umbrella then it starts raining again. weird time of year where all buildings are either freezing no heat or suffucatingly hot. sorry really I am done.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

michael says

I should use more contractions because my writing sounds too formal.
I told him I didn't care.
and then I said..."does it really seem too formal?"
then he proceeded to read my last three weeks worth of entries laughing out loud occasionally and pointing out my typos.
so I need to point out here that the guy at work I mentioned ealier in the week, his name really is acy. that wasn't a typo.
and I will try to fix some of the others.
also that my favorite quote from last night came out of matthew. "michael doesn't mean to be an asshole." all in good fun. its just easier to live your life your own way and be the bitch or the asshole sometimes. rather than tiptoe around worried about what everyone else is thinking. or (more specifically) what everyone else is thinking of you.

the "c" word

went to one of michael's classes last night (music practicum) in order to scarf up free pizza. really I went cause I am dorky and I think it is fun to watch live performers breathe life into new works. this quarters class is a ...wait for it....collaboration between not just musicians and composers, but also dancers. It was refreshing to see people make this collaboration thing work. I had to take a 3 credit class about collaboration and when I hear the word I tend to run screaming out of the room. maybe it is just easier when it is not my work. I am not overprepared and cursing under my breathe at those underprepared. or underprepared and scrambling to make it look like I know what I am doing. in this project the dance was choreographed and videotaped and the music composed to the movement. things were moving along, dancers were dancing or stretching out all over the floor the way dancers relax, music was flowing, a bit undertempo but things were really moving along until the last piece. and one composers need to unleash a 20 minute diatribe on open bar improvisation, why he didn't have a copy of his own score, why his piece really could not be conducted or danced to ....several successive attempts to conduct the dancers to the CD instead of conducting the cello, piano and flute. I stole a pen to start frantically writing. I needed something in my hand to keep me from strangling this person and running off before the pizza arrived. ack! collaboration my nemesis strikes again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

guys named boone

while stuffing envelopes at work today. (because sometimes I like the mindless stuff when it fills the end of my day. that way I save some brains and energy for class) I noticed that guys in the shop have names like boone and acy. this also reminded me of a customer that I sent a manual to last week, first name...sharky. are these nicknames, do you think? like the guys my dad worked with...pea head, goph, nasty, or is this an actual choice by the family? I have to wonder if having a name like sharky or ace sets you up for a rough time, or creates the playground bully. just like ashley...doesn't it just sound prissy. now to avoid any untoward anger from those named ashley it is not so different from nancy. when I found out that my name is used to describe "sissy" boys, I was not too suprised.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


yesterday I ate lunch in Spring Grove cemetery. "by yourself?" Michael asked "sushi." I replied
my own lunch plans were starting my paper and answering phones. but when lunch plans including me happened around me, I didn't argue. I kind of wanted to. I normally do. But since I had barely glimpsed the sun, last homework plagued weekend, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to spend time outside. It was one of those fall days that seems cold but feels wonderful when the sun is out. there were ducks and fish in the pond. we sat on a monument while we ate. I love the idea that cemeteries used to be gathering places. picnic places. I like the day of the dead rituals. feeding your departed and sprinkling marigold petals. this cemetery is out of the ordinary. people still hang out there. they go jogging. the cemetery offers tours. much better than having lunch at my desk.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

to think

too tired from school work to think, much less come up with anything interesting to say. all of my collaborative projects this quarter are dragging me under. and it is only the 3rd week of class. so here is my weekend.
work, eat, drink, sleep....sometimes with tv thrown in there for good measure
today I took a break and went to go see Shaun of the Dead. It is the funniest, gory horror flick. totally worth the hours of schoolwork not done and the free tickets cost.
then michael and I went to Matthew's for the chinese food extravaganza. thanks to Michelle for the extra dumplings. yum.
I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel. running and running all day and still ending up in the same place. I need to find a new tactic to deal with all of this work and the scheduling headaches that come with it. (that tactic should not be margaritas)

Thursday, October 07, 2004


starting to feel more like me today. maybe its my pretty nails. or the prospect of dinner out tonight and this weekends chinese food extravaganza (with michelle's dumplings). whatever it is, you know I am in a warped good mood when even the prospect of the hated satellite campus class doesn't seem too bad.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

mani pedi

so I went tonight with mari for mani pedi. my first pedicure. so this is supposed to be my pampered and relaxed evening and I dropped my wallet in the feet whirlpool. how? I have no idea. I think it was in my lap and it slipped or something. I can never explain these things. how sad. do these kind of things happen to other people? because by now, I figure it is just sort of the way I top off an evening.


is this really necessary?
"Ambiguous words or phrases need to be disambiguated "
Kent Bach, Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

waist pants and my head exploding

I remembered the tea today, but recently have been feeling out of sorts. it is getting cold and I am still trying to wear summer clothes. today I wore wool pants. waist pants, amy. ew. last night, michael reminded me that my birthday was approaching. it is sad, that I have to be reminded. and that as 28 approaches I feel like a lady that wears waist pants and her hair in a messy ponytail. I feel way too detached from good looks and fashion and way too close to mom hair and cat ladies. I don't want shopping to be the answer so recently red wine and chips have tried to fill in. I want to go to the emerald city and have someone buff my body like the tin man and even "dye my eyes to match my gown". that is just pathetic but I don't feel up to any beauty regimen beyond basic hygiene. can't someone book me a good haircut and manicure (not you michael, I am still pining for the digital camera) this may be due to the fact that my head is trying to explode. school, work, observations, fall allergies, and an intense amount of anxiety stemming from these things. All A's in my program so far....only place to go is down. the worst is when I ask people from my classes if they did the reading?, did they think it was difficult?, are they ready for the next project? etc. they seem detached. they don't do the reading, they already did the project, or worse they forgot there even was one but they don't seemed bothered by this. I have turned into one of the annoying girls in high school. homework nazi with waist pants. at least I have the tasty red wine.

Monday, October 04, 2004

hot tea

going to work early this quarter.
so I wait this morning for the kettle to boil.
nice hot to-go mug of tea, milk sugar, lid.
left sitting on the kitchen counter
so I guess today is a decaffeinated kind of day, as I sip cold water at my desk.

Sunday, October 03, 2004


is it really necessary to use the word disambiguating twice in one article?

Thursday, September 30, 2004

almost the weekend

thank god it is almost time for the weekend. no class tomorrow night, and two days of sleep. while concurrently trying to catch up on my reading for class and clean and organize my messy apartment. not an ideal weekend, I see your point but still one I am looking forward to. if only so that I can locate all the syllabi and figure out if I can keep my head from exploding before fall quarter is complete. I can't believe I thought I might actually have time to work a part-time job at the university in order to collect the work-study money I was awarded. yeah somewhere between my regular job, school and classroom observations.
also the university jobs pay an average of $7 an hour. I am so past that. I worked one of the worst campus jobs as an undergrad for $5.15 an hour with a lovely raise to $5.35 an hour and that was in the 90's.
Also this evening, I survived another horrific thursdayclass with my prof. who is so uptight her anxiety oozes across the classroom towards me. When I was driving home I could feel my shoulders releasing from underneath my ears to try to return to their normal position. who barks at students as the come in the room "who are you?" "do I know you?" I hate to say dude, but seriously, Dude. it is the second class, could you please pop a valium next thursday before 3pm. give it enough time to take effect. before we are subjected to your anxiety.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

procrastination & apologies

I need to apologize here for my poor grammar and misuse of the ellipsis. "The function of the ellipsis is to leave out repetitious and unnecessary words, the function of pronominalization is to replace complicated expressions with simple ones." from Pyschology & Language by Bert H. Clark and Eve V. Clark. I use the ellipsis whenever I have much more to say and I know it is getting boring. I should be using pronominalization.
on a lighter note,
do you ever wake up with a song running through your head? This happens to me several times a week. It is always one I know but not usually something I have listened to recently, or even would chose to listen to. Today it is los lonely boys (unplugged) must of seen that at someone's house, someone with good cable that includes MTV and VH1 and not just the 3 local access stations that I get. Last week it was an indigo girls song, prior to that musical theater (yikes) song from Wicked. This has got to stop. Maybe I should purchase and alarm clock that can play music instead of the silly travel one I use. That way the alarm clock could replace my morning songs immediately. only that seems like trouble. there is always a chance they could be replaced for the worse. Then I would be wandering around working humming Mandy or god forbid with arms wide open.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

love the waves

so I am home after the beach YAY! wonderful gorgeous perfect fantabulous weather. and even a round of miniature golf for michael. and I need to figure out how to relax and not be angry about school and all of the petty little things I have to do to get moving again in the real world. so for now I will leave you with my favorite story from the beach. Michael was nonplussed with the ocean on the jersey shore. They don't have real waves he says. As if he knows first hand. while angelique and I told "big fish" stories about the waves we remember from our childhood vacations. huge waves that you could not withstand, ones that knocked you over and knocked the wind out of you while still taunting you to return. So as we enjoy the sun and the surf Michael gets taught a lesson by the ocean. The ocean won. The only image you need to remember is michael creatively removing beach stones from the crotch of his bathing suit, after he and angelique were so rocked by the surf they could not return. As the tide came in so did the stones and shells apparently and if you walked 5 feet into the ocean you would be in over your head with waves crashing in on top steadily one needed to be constantly on guard watching for the next assault. we had so much fun. lovely.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

not that mean

so now that I vented what I really wanted to say is I came home thinking I have the nicest roommate. He does the laundry and it comes back smelling clean and folded. I thought of this cause I just opened up the office window and it smells like the dryer is running with pretty dryer sheets smell filling the alley with april fresh air. mmmm. then I ate dinner and got all cozy on the futon and he calls. I forgot my USB cord and can you drive it downtown to me. and I do cause he did do the laundry. but I don't stay at the gig (bad girlfriend) but he still calls me an angel. all smiles and now I can get back to my exciting evening of television and homework.
have a wonderful weekend!

class is over and now we go "down the shore"

the class wasn't that bad. the books were $130 which is ridiculous.
more importantly. I am going to the beach tomorrow. YAY!

stupid stupid grrr

everything I just wrote about being angry, satellite campuses (campusii?), online ordianing (ordination?) and expensive books just disappeared. I have to go drive to campus now. grrr.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

in pennsylvania we wear sneakers

still sort of stunned from the family overload this weekend. I don't know what to discuss. The silly bit that I shared with Angelique and Kate is about my dad's shoes. Or in Pennsylvania speak sneakers. as opposed to the north carolina gym shoes or tennis shoes etc. If you grew up in suburbia with working class parents that maintained their own yard you will be aware that your father owns at least one pair of yard sneakers. They are green from weedwhacking, flecked with paint and usually from the 80's. Even if he bought them in the last five years it was probably the kind of purchase where he went into the store and said "pair of the same, size 12" they are non descript reeboks. My father in a fit of cleaning and organizing the garage. (There is no longer a toy box as his youngest just turned 24 this summer, there are rubbermaid containers and a peg board for tools. It looks like an episode of clean sweep HGTV) Well he realized that he had two pairs of yard sneakers and decided to toss one pair into the Good Will bag or possibly if they were really hurting the trash. It took a couple of days before he realized that he had tossed one of each pair. Luckily it was a left and right so if he is ever suffering he will wear the mismatched yard sneakers until it is time for a shift down. We shall see.

Monday, September 20, 2004


even on short jaunts, airports and traveling exhaust me. I am weary. But stay tuned for the family stories and school starts this wednesday. My mood swiftly swings from anxiety to excitement with each passing hour.

Thursday, September 16, 2004


I am flying to PA tomorrow, so posts may be patchy. if you know how to reach me please do so as the excitement of a wedding shower and a christening and this much family time is making me slightly uncomfortable.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

blatant consumerism

my mama loved that phrase when I was emailing her today about my new clothes. Yesterday I went shopping. I really never have the money to do this and sadly the thrill of new things gets overridden by the guilt of my consumerism and debt. Really I am pathetic. Michael bought me clothes from tj maxx and old navy. I am really cheap, as you can see my my choices in the fashion arena, and the phrase blatant consumerism sums up my reaction to the new Cincinnati Mills Mall, which is apparently just the old mall with more bigger stuff. It is scary like entering a dungeon. I don't know what all the stuff they sell is for. I guess I shouldn't cause it is not really for anything except the thrill you get from new purchases. So while I fight the american way and try not to consume myself among the new purchases, I swim in the sea of stuff that fills my small (no storage) two bedroom apartment. Where does all of this STUFF come from? On top of my lust for more and fear of drowning in the stuff I already have is the idea that I will have to register for more and better stuff in a couple years. I guess I should just flip to the Williams Sonoma, Crate & Barrel websites and start looking at all the stuff.

parking problems

This morning when I left the apartment I was walking to my car and I had that flash. The one that you get in a mall parking lot during the holiday shopping season. Was I in A23? Purple16? Why do I drive a grey honda civic? Usually there is a parking spot right in front of my place. But, if during the day I park on one side of the block and then go out and return and park on the other side of the block; I leave the house in the morning utterly confident to my cars whereabouts only to stride halfway there before I realize I parked on the other side. This morning I was lucky and I started out in the right direction, with only a slight pause in my step as this flashed through my mind. Other mornings I have not been so slick. On really bad mornings there are several people out on the block, waiting for the bus, headed towards school etc. and I have to try to think of a way to play it cool as I turn around and head back down the block. Oh who I am kidding? I am so not cool. and I am negative cool points when I do this. At least I am not the slap yourself in the head and talk out loud kind of person. I can quietly look like an idiot to all of those people who I imagine notice me. Truthfully those people are just as worried about their own look. One of my favorite parts of the Helen Fielding book Olivia Joules and the overactive one is looking at you or thinking about you...they are all thinking about themselves just like you. If only I believed that in 6th and 7th grades, life would have gone so much more smoothly.

Monday, September 13, 2004

laziest person on the planet

my mother was right when she used to tell me (while I stayed in bed to finish a book) "the less you do the less you want to do" I have spent the month of August becoming comfortable with my laziness. I even made a list of things to do which I promptly lost. Well that is not entirely true, I am sure it is somewhere in the pile of paperwork that was referred to as #1 on said list. I could feel good about my laziness and enjoy the things that I did accomplish before michael returned. However, with michael here it is like living with a perpetual motion machine. The boy cannot stop moving or working. Even when I force him into vegging out in front of the tv he still taps his feet or his fingers, updates the audio to his website, sits on the edge of a chair and looks like something pressing is on his mind. How can you veg with a person like this? On the nice end of this his perpetual motion includes doing things for me, refilling my wine glass, setting up the wireless connection, running to Joey's del to buy me chips.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

untoward anger

things continue to be crazy around here now that michael has returned. I assume that they will be this way indefinitely. So I need to find my own patches of alone time, and me time, and steal them away from everything else. That way I can avoid bursts of untoward anger and further annoy the boy with the use of words like untoward.
un·to·ward adj.
Not favorable; unpropitious.
Troublesome; adverse: an untoward incident.
Hard to guide or control; unruly.
Improper; unseemly.
adj 1: not in keeping with accepted standards of what is right or proper in polite society; "was buried with indecent haste"; "indecorous behavior"; "language unbecoming to a lady"; "unseemly to use profanity"; "moved to curb their untoward ribaldry

Yesterday, we attended my company picnic...something that made me realize how frightening my wedding will be. Except instead of introducing michael to everyone's wives and babies we will both be introducing our entire families to each other (not to mention friends). Do you think as things get rolling I could still convince him to elope?
Last night we went to the barnjam in dayton. michael played an awesome set even after almost having a heartattack as 9 people (a la a mighty wind) got on the mini acoustic stage and casually maneuvered around his elaborate setup to play such bluegrass/country favorites like will the circle be unbroken. (thanks to robb I know the words now). It was a weird scene lots of kids from University of Dayton and their 'hip' -read snooty professors history profs and some philosophy and one christian leadership....I don't know what that is nor do I want to find out. They seemed to enjoy michael's show so that was cool, but they were not the openarmed pachouli smelling, have some of my beer, hippies I am used to meeting at michael's shows....more like the young college students, just trying out the scene, natty light drinking, hippies. alas no good beer for me.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

coke heads

tonight we went to see brother's past at the barrel house brewery. yummy beer. techno band with fancy lights and a sad singer. lots of synth and a keyboard player that plays 90's billy joel as sound check...very strange. but michael must support home town bands you know good connections etc. The drummer is cool, he wears headphones while he plays (big ones) michael turns to me and says that they are hooked up to the synth so that he can stay with it...later we find out from the guitarist/singer that they are just regular headphones. just blocking out sound and apparently the joke is that he is really listening to books on tape. I love that image. like dostoevsky with techno fading in the background as he rocks out on the cowbell. ridiculous.
oh about the title ...reference to 2nd or 3rd hand rumors about the band that I remembered while I was brushing my teeth...coke heads are really full of themselves right? gives you the feeling like you are on top of the world. enough that you would tell the locals that this is the crappiest place you expect to play on your heading west tour. well have fun in l.a. boys.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

much more interesting

here is what I should have written when instead I got stuck and told a stupid, whiny story about my dreams and my sleep cycles so here you go....
everyone is very happy about the engagement and after some prodding from my mama (thru our work email accounts) I did tell her that the wedding would not be taking place in a church. (notably, not a catholic church) after waiting anxiously for her reply and repeatedly hitting the refresh button on my email....she finally replied. She said she expected as much and did not seem disappointed (at least not that I could determine through email) She also didn't think it would blow my dad away which is very cool as he offered to pay for everything and I didn't want him to regret the offer or rescind it. This is very cool as most of my wedding anxiety is linked to my family and their religious and --I guess the best way to say it is-- cultural expectations. Now I just need to tell them I asked my brother, Matt, to get ordained online. "Can you really do that, or is it just something you saw on Friends?" Well apparently you can really do that because while discussing his reaction over drinks with friends (or over friends with drinks?) Quinn mentioned that he had been ordained thru the church of universal light and happiness or something smarmy like that. Not for any reason mind you...just because...and it probably amused him. Matt was very happy with the website especially the price (free) and told me his friends already asked him to baptize their child. He will get practice with this on the 18th when he becomes 'the godfather' of our first nephew. So everyone is happy now (so far).

no brakes

I don't have nearly as much to say now that the boy is back. I guess this is because I am not talking to myself as much. I did find out why my sleep was not real sleep last night (other than waking up at 1:30am when michael decided to read in bed and then again at 4am for no particular reason). On the way home from work I was stopped at a red light that I knew would turn green for me next. I was ooching forward and I suddenly remembered that I have been having recurring dreams that my car brakes aren't working. I hope these are not some sort of freaky premonition but I doubt it cause when it occurred to me I also realized that these dreams are not new. They are not scary flying of a cliff in an accident dreams but more like having really mushy brakes and having to push the pedal to the floor and pull up the emergency brake to keep the car from rolling back into a parked car. Wow that is so boring, (it hurts) but it is anxiety producing at the time. My solution for right now may include vodka, as that is my on my list of things to do for today. -return books and movies to library-go buy vodka -give quinn microwave and random other bits of furniture from the house.
that way the boy can have white russians and I can have it was said last night at Robb's "I don't like anything sissy like mixers to get in the way of my hangovers" and I can get rid of some of the furniture that has been taking over my apartment and the trunk of my car.
**check out my profile--I think it was stupid, so for now I am just updating it with the books I am reading(these change daily or every 2 days and probably will until school starts on the 22nd)**

Friday, September 03, 2004

quiet again

two quiet nights in a row. but tonight michael is in north carolina, and I am back to my usual free library movies and a book and wine.
my only problem is that I have watched all of the new movies worth watching...and available at the corryville public library, and occasionally I have to move towards foreign films. I like foreign films and subtitles do not bother me. But it becomes a problem when I have a less than good movie. I want to be able to read my book during the movie and the stupid subtitles make this impossible.
well that is boring. but so is my friday night.
I have not set up anything interesting with this yet. no pictures or connections to other sites. But in my blogaholism this summer I know the things I do like. One of those things is connecting to cool books, blogs or music from other sites.
So here is what I am reading: On the Occasion of My Last Afternoon by Kaye Gibbons.
not my favorite of hers (Charms for the Easy Life) and not as good as the one I just finished Divining Women but still I enjoy her writing
(I only get NBC so movies are my only choice)So I rented Whale Rider. I knew it would be a nice movie to watch again...alone....that way I could cry the way I did last week when I read The Lovely Bones and I got to the part where her father smashes the ship in a bottle collection. It is so nice not to have to explain how good that kind of cry is.
My current obsession is Angelique's new blog. it makes me so happy and connected to her. And it may even save me money on long distance...but it will problem just make me want to talk to her more often.
(I am a library girl ---the amazon links are just so you can see exactly what I am talking about-- angelique put divining women on hold at zach's library or charms you will enjoy at least one of them)

also check out michael's site when you have time and high speed. He is going to add a bunch of new live Mp3's and if I have anything to do with it he will also clean it up a little and make it presentable. You can tell him I said so.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

BBQ cookout

I really need to put a moratorium on the slightly drunk posts because my typing gets incredibly bad and I am sure I am more immature than I usually am..(which is very immature in case you haven't met me)
so anyway...getting over the whole scary engagement issue...still strange for me cause I get lots of congratulatory emails and phone calls. Especially cause I spent the last month living like a monk...granted a monk that rents a lot of free library videos every couple days but still...

Tonight I went with michael to target and meyer and to matt p's for a bbq ( which in my house we always called a cookout --is that a regional thing? my 2nd cousin amy is polling her office mates). Michael makes my life so busy, when before I was a bookish monk. Everyday there are things we need to 'take care of' when I get home from work. It is totally screwing up my meals. I definitely need to eat every two hours. (that whole losing my appetite thing was a joke cause I really woke up at 4 am after eating only champagne and I had to go make grilled cheese cause I couldn't sleep I was so hungry)
It was fun hanging out with Michelle, Matt, Robb & Sam, at the cookout, but it is strange to have an instant social agenda now that Michael has returned. I really should blame it on UC leases beginning in September but I feel like my contented reclusive days are over. I need to make a resolution that I will go to work without a hangover next week. That way I can remember what life was like in August.

Monday, August 30, 2004


engaged engaging whatever
michael came back from tour tonight and proposed to me "proposed what" dad said.
now what?
well mari came by with champagne, cheese and crackers (what a nice friend) we chatted and enjoyed the night. Now I am blogging (god I hate that as a verb) and michael is sitting by me playing the guitar.

I was ready to jump out of my skin at work today. So excited that he was coming home. Now I am slightly drunk from champagne and red wine. A lot more chill than I was when he proposed....not on one knee ...but after listening to me bitch about going away for over a month and bringing me back a ben & jerry's t-shirt. A leave your girlfriend for a month and come back without jewelry. The only prize I get is a t-shirt. Yes I am grateful for a t-shirt but are you kidding me?
only then does he give me a box and says fine. I was going to wait 'til later but if you are that tosses a wrapped box in my lap. the guilt is overwhelming...but I still open it.
inside is a silver and amber ring and he ask me to marry him. Are you for real? (I can't tell you how many times I asked that...marriage is so hypothetical to me)
So now I am engaged.
and after freaking out...shaking...trying not to cry...losing my appetite (like most annoying skinny girls) I called my parents, my siblings...he called his parents...I got drunk with a friend. And now I feel great. no fear. I can do this a couple of years

Sunday, August 29, 2004

empty excitement

I have become addicted to blogs this summer. It started in July when I was still in class and got horribly worse in August when michael left for tour and classes ended. It got so bad that as I wandered through my day and my empty apartment I started to think like I was writing a blog. My internal monologue was less obscured and more patterned for an audience. I began to check on my favorites to see if they had posted every time I walked past the computer. It was similar to an email I received from deborah once that said "you know you are an email slave when you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed". So yesterday, when I finally succumbed and started my own blog I was weirdly excited. My heart was beating faster like I was in front of an audience, and accordingly I completely ran out of things to say. So today I started writing about nothing and this already seems long to me. I guess I will never run out of things to say.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

not a word

yes I looked it up...uncollaborative is not a word. But it best describes my view right now. After completing a class required for my sped degree called education as the collaborative co-learner I know that I am uncollaborative. I like it that way.