speed and props

I am fighting off a killer caffeine buzz with the first of what will (I hope) be several glasses of red zin tonight. so much caffeine my hands are shaking. yay for dr. pepper 21oz. football special thing. making lists makes my paperful weekend seem do-able. I shall see. michael made 2lbs of pasta last night and our guests ate about 1/2lb. so we are having more people over tonight so I don't need to eat spaghetti and super chunky veggie sauce for the rest of my life. I NEED VARIETY. I also need more depressant or maybe a dance party for all this energy.
by the way, what are you dressing up as for halloween? if there is a party to attend I think michael and I will do a cutesy couple thing. Dionysus and some other toga wearing woman, Diana or Helen someone beautiful and ship sinking. because I have sheets and a faux laurel headpiece, and mainly because last year michael didn't have a costume, so I made him a placard that said "welcome great pumpkin!" and he carried a blue towel and wore a stripey shirt and oddly carried all night a jug of red wine. this year Dionysus will work the wine right into the costume. less like alcoholism more like needed prop.

lets worry about today, and call people radishes

so I'm sitting here thinking my life's not too bad. this is good and the result of talking to someone worse off than me right now, drinking a glass of red wine, eating a bowl of doritos, a cancelled class, and talking to other people who have completed the dreaded language development midterm, completed without throwing a clot (thanks to tom to working that graphic description into my vocabulary). back to my good old theory of not doing homework unless it is due tomorrow. and trying not to think about the rest of my life because it too, is not due tomorrow. so I am forgetting about or resigned to the fact that I will be living in cincinnati for another year, becoming a sped teacher, when really, what was I thinking!, I will have to eventually marry this boy who proposed to me. and while I like the idea of being married to my beau, the wedding itself still makes me twitch. where are we moving?, who will support me?, oh, I have to support me?! bummer. I want to sit on the couch and eat chips and read books. but really, I can take it slow and I can try to just worry about this weekend and the papers due this week and possibly those due next week. instead of things that happen next month and the month after that etc.
tonight in my sign language class a girl asked our teacher to teach us curse words so we could really start communicating and the teacher said maybe in a couple of weeks. that'll keep everyone coming back. until then I will just emphatically sign the mean signs I know that are more like things you would direct towards a toddler. NO! Stop that! radish!
yes, radish doesn't make any sense but I do know the sign for that. and date (like the fruit not the event) this is helpful. radishes make me think of fraggles and this is a sign that I really need to go to bed. (it was just a glass of wine, I swear.)

wasting away (in a very american consumer kind of way)

apparently no one in my household eats. they are one meal a day kind of people. and while we may look at menus and discuss food, eating is hypothetical, and they'll just wait til dinner. I am wasting away. and to think I didn't just leap into my usual saturday bagel sandwich routine because I didn't want to be full when everyone else was headed out to eat. but no ones going anywhere. this puts me in the position of cranky, hungry, unpleasable me that is too high maintenance to order a sandwich like this "I'll just have turkey, and I'll have roast beef" not only do I not like these meats but all the sandwich guts are the most important part. the bread, people, the bread, this is key, fresh lettuce and tomato. can't we just order pizza or chinese. vats of food could be delivered to my house and we have decided on leftovers ew. more food I don't eat. I have already ingested all of my left overs and I need to stay far far away from things michael has created in the crock pot with a side of beef or slathered in bbq sauce. ugh. the hunger. can't. type. any. longer.

anxiety papers company

my anxiety increases as this company and homework filled weekend approaches. my only solution thus far is to sneak michael's laptop around with me. movies (its soft glow lights up my face), dinner half way under the table cloth as I jot down lines. "who me? I'm not writing a paper over here." "no, no, keep telling your story. I can type and listen at the same time." that last one is for real. good for freaking out co-workers. also, can you tell I have some serious laptop envy? internet, my friend, why can't I take you everywhere I go?

bad

I can't think properly to continue writing in sentences so instead here is a list of bad dayness
1.head cold(and hurty eyes that go with head cold)
2. headache that goes with head cold and lack of caffeine.
3. forgetting to print out paper due in class today
4. begging prof to let me email it later
5. being asked my my classmate if I had beer in my waterbottle.
(if you must know it is cranberry juice with seltzer that got bubbly from bouncing around in my bag) yes, I like beer but I am in class tonight get it together lady.
6. collaborative projects (I know that is a given)
7. same classmate trying to arrange a meeting regarding collaborative project.
(nothing is due, I only have an hour and a half between work and class can't I just sit by myself, eat dinner and enjoy the free time--doing other homework. a testimony to my new level of geekiness, and if today is any indication, probably wearing uncomfy waist pants.)
8. spilling garbage juice on my pants taking out the recycling (now I probably smell like a wino, too so it only goes too well with the faux beer and bloodshot sleepy head cold eyes)
9. must clean house for future mother in law visit.
10. many papers due so many papers
enough bitching for one day right...so sorry have a good night
oh just a little more....still raining more raining keep leaving the house without an umbrella then it starts raining again. weird time of year where all buildings are either freezing no heat or suffucatingly hot. sorry really I am done.

michael says

I should use more contractions because my writing sounds too formal.
I told him I didn't care.
and then I said..."does it really seem too formal?"
then he proceeded to read my last three weeks worth of entries laughing out loud occasionally and pointing out my typos.
so I need to point out here that the guy at work I mentioned ealier in the week, his name really is acy. that wasn't a typo.
and I will try to fix some of the others.
also that my favorite quote from last night came out of matthew. "michael doesn't mean to be an asshole." all in good fun. its just easier to live your life your own way and be the bitch or the asshole sometimes. rather than tiptoe around worried about what everyone else is thinking. or (more specifically) what everyone else is thinking of you.

the "c" word

went to one of michael's classes last night (music practicum) in order to scarf up free pizza. really I went cause I am dorky and I think it is fun to watch live performers breathe life into new works. this quarters class is a ...wait for it....collaboration between not just musicians and composers, but also dancers. It was refreshing to see people make this collaboration thing work. I had to take a 3 credit class about collaboration and when I hear the word I tend to run screaming out of the room. maybe it is just easier when it is not my work. I am not overprepared and cursing under my breathe at those underprepared. or underprepared and scrambling to make it look like I know what I am doing. in this project the dance was choreographed and videotaped and the music composed to the movement. things were moving along, dancers were dancing or stretching out all over the floor the way dancers relax, music was flowing, a bit undertempo but things were really moving along until the last piece. and one composers need to unleash a 20 minute diatribe on open bar improvisation, why he didn't have a copy of his own score, why his piece really could not be conducted or danced to ....several successive attempts to conduct the dancers to the CD instead of conducting the cello, piano and flute. I stole a pen to start frantically writing. I needed something in my hand to keep me from strangling this person and running off before the pizza arrived. ack! collaboration my nemesis strikes again.

guys named boone

while stuffing envelopes at work today. (because sometimes I like the mindless stuff when it fills the end of my day. that way I save some brains and energy for class) I noticed that guys in the shop have names like boone and acy. this also reminded me of a customer that I sent a manual to last week, first name...sharky. are these nicknames, do you think? like the guys my dad worked with...pea head, goph, nasty, or is this an actual choice by the family? I have to wonder if having a name like sharky or ace sets you up for a rough time, or creates the playground bully. just like ashley...doesn't it just sound prissy. now to avoid any untoward anger from those named ashley it is not so different from nancy. when I found out that my name is used to describe "sissy" boys, I was not too suprised.

lunch

yesterday I ate lunch in Spring Grove cemetery. "by yourself?" Michael asked "sushi." I replied
my own lunch plans were starting my paper and answering phones. but when lunch plans including me happened around me, I didn't argue. I kind of wanted to. I normally do. But since I had barely glimpsed the sun, last homework plagued weekend, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to spend time outside. It was one of those fall days that seems cold but feels wonderful when the sun is out. there were ducks and fish in the pond. we sat on a monument while we ate. I love the idea that cemeteries used to be gathering places. picnic places. I like the day of the dead rituals. feeding your departed and sprinkling marigold petals. this cemetery is out of the ordinary. people still hang out there. they go jogging. the cemetery offers tours. much better than having lunch at my desk.

to think

too tired from school work to think, much less come up with anything interesting to say. all of my collaborative projects this quarter are dragging me under. and it is only the 3rd week of class. so here is my weekend.
work, eat, drink, sleep....sometimes with tv thrown in there for good measure
today I took a break and went to go see Shaun of the Dead. It is the funniest, gory horror flick. totally worth the hours of schoolwork not done and the free tickets cost.
then michael and I went to Matthew's for the chinese food extravaganza. thanks to Michelle for the extra dumplings. yum.
I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel. running and running all day and still ending up in the same place. I need to find a new tactic to deal with all of this work and the scheduling headaches that come with it. (that tactic should not be margaritas)

better

starting to feel more like me today. maybe its my pretty nails. or the prospect of dinner out tonight and this weekends chinese food extravaganza (with michelle's dumplings). whatever it is, you know I am in a warped good mood when even the prospect of the hated satellite campus class doesn't seem too bad.

mani pedi

so I went tonight with mari for mani pedi. my first pedicure. so this is supposed to be my pampered and relaxed evening and I dropped my wallet in the feet whirlpool. how? I have no idea. I think it was in my lap and it slipped or something. I can never explain these things. how sad. do these kind of things happen to other people? because by now, I figure it is just sort of the way I top off an evening.

necessary

is this really necessary?
"Ambiguous words or phrases need to be disambiguated "
from http://online.sfsu.edu/~kbach/spchacts.html
Kent Bach, Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry
SPEECH ACTS

waist pants and my head exploding

I remembered the tea today, but recently have been feeling out of sorts. it is getting cold and I am still trying to wear summer clothes. today I wore wool pants. waist pants, amy. ew. last night, michael reminded me that my birthday was approaching. it is sad, that I have to be reminded. and that as 28 approaches I feel like a lady that wears waist pants and her hair in a messy ponytail. I feel way too detached from good looks and fashion and way too close to mom hair and cat ladies. I don't want shopping to be the answer so recently red wine and chips have tried to fill in. I want to go to the emerald city and have someone buff my body like the tin man and even "dye my eyes to match my gown". that is just pathetic but I don't feel up to any beauty regimen beyond basic hygiene. can't someone book me a good haircut and manicure (not you michael, I am still pining for the digital camera) this may be due to the fact that my head is trying to explode. school, work, observations, fall allergies, and an intense amount of anxiety stemming from these things. All A's in my program so far....only place to go is down. the worst is when I ask people from my classes if they did the reading?, did they think it was difficult?, are they ready for the next project? etc. they seem detached. they don't do the reading, they already did the project, or worse they forgot there even was one but they don't seemed bothered by this. I have turned into one of the annoying girls in high school. homework nazi with waist pants. at least I have the tasty red wine.

hot tea

going to work early this quarter.
so I wait this morning for the kettle to boil.
nice hot to-go mug of tea, milk sugar, lid.
left sitting on the kitchen counter
so I guess today is a decaffeinated kind of day, as I sip cold water at my desk.

disambiguating

is it really necessary to use the word disambiguating twice in one article?

almost the weekend

thank god it is almost time for the weekend. no class tomorrow night, and two days of sleep. while concurrently trying to catch up on my reading for class and clean and organize my messy apartment. not an ideal weekend, I see your point but still one I am looking forward to. if only so that I can locate all the syllabi and figure out if I can keep my head from exploding before fall quarter is complete. I can't believe I thought I might actually have time to work a part-time job at the university in order to collect the work-study money I was awarded. yeah somewhere between my regular job, school and classroom observations.
also the university jobs pay an average of $7 an hour. I am so past that. I worked one of the worst campus jobs as an undergrad for $5.15 an hour with a lovely raise to $5.35 an hour and that was in the 90's.
Also this evening, I survived another horrific thursdayclass with my prof. who is so uptight her anxiety oozes across the classroom towards me. When I was driving home I could feel my shoulders releasing from underneath my ears to try to return to their normal position. who barks at students as the come in the room "who are you?" "do I know you?" I hate to say dude, but seriously, Dude. it is the second class, could you please pop a valium next thursday before 3pm. give it enough time to take effect. before we are subjected to your anxiety.

procrastination & apologies

I need to apologize here for my poor grammar and misuse of the ellipsis. "The function of the ellipsis is to leave out repetitious and unnecessary words, the function of pronominalization is to replace complicated expressions with simple ones." from Pyschology & Language by Bert H. Clark and Eve V. Clark. I use the ellipsis whenever I have much more to say and I know it is getting boring. I should be using pronominalization.
on a lighter note,
do you ever wake up with a song running through your head? This happens to me several times a week. It is always one I know but not usually something I have listened to recently, or even would chose to listen to. Today it is los lonely boys (unplugged) must of seen that at someone's house, someone with good cable that includes MTV and VH1 and not just the 3 local access stations that I get. Last week it was an indigo girls song, prior to that musical theater (yikes) song from Wicked. This has got to stop. Maybe I should purchase and alarm clock that can play music instead of the silly travel one I use. That way the alarm clock could replace my morning songs immediately. only that seems like trouble. there is always a chance they could be replaced for the worse. Then I would be wandering around working humming Mandy or god forbid with arms wide open.

love the waves

so I am home after the beach YAY! wonderful gorgeous perfect fantabulous weather. and even a round of miniature golf for michael. and I need to figure out how to relax and not be angry about school and all of the petty little things I have to do to get moving again in the real world. so for now I will leave you with my favorite story from the beach. Michael was nonplussed with the ocean on the jersey shore. They don't have real waves he says. As if he knows first hand. while angelique and I told "big fish" stories about the waves we remember from our childhood vacations. huge waves that you could not withstand, ones that knocked you over and knocked the wind out of you while still taunting you to return. So as we enjoy the sun and the surf Michael gets taught a lesson by the ocean. The ocean won. The only image you need to remember is michael creatively removing beach stones from the crotch of his bathing suit, after he and angelique were so rocked by the surf they could not return. As the tide came in so did the stones and shells apparently and if you walked 5 feet into the ocean you would be in over your head with waves crashing in on top steadily one needed to be constantly on guard watching for the next assault. we had so much fun. lovely.

not that mean

so now that I vented what I really wanted to say is I came home thinking I have the nicest roommate. He does the laundry and it comes back smelling clean and folded. I thought of this cause I just opened up the office window and it smells like the dryer is running with pretty dryer sheets smell filling the alley with april fresh air. mmmm. then I ate dinner and got all cozy on the futon and he calls. I forgot my USB cord and can you drive it downtown to me. and I do cause he did do the laundry. but I don't stay at the gig (bad girlfriend) but he still calls me an angel. all smiles and now I can get back to my exciting evening of television and homework.
have a wonderful weekend!