Angelique's story (so far)

This is a link to Angelique's blog, where she recently wrote an amazing post detailing the death of her sister. She is a very good writer. She uses lots more punctuation then I do. She is strong and amazing and I anxiously await more posts like this one that give such a clear view into a moment of her life. I am continually impressed by her resilience. I think that her skill as a writer and her astonishing story will make a wonderful book that could help so many others that have experienced the death of a sibling. If you read her story leave some comments so she realizes this is not just me gushing (you know how you never really trust your mom when she tells you how cute you are ...this seems like that).

stuck

I have been kind of stuck on writing something new since I read Angelique's last blog. I would like to link to it, but I feel like it is important to talk to her about that first. Since I haven't been able to talk to her about that, I am stuck trying to come up with something of my own to write about. So instead of posting on one thing, here are some exciting bullet points for your perusal:

• I updated my xanga with the books I am reading now. I can't wait to have free time to read books for fun, and a not always spend free time reading blogs and feeling guilty for procrastinating, or reading books and articles that make my brain hurt.
• my personal soundtrack has been so skippy and finicky lately that I can't really post about it. Like right now I have that song from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind in my head and earlier today I was fading from destiny's child to paul simon to random bits of musical theater.
• I spent 1/2 an hour at work today waiting in the lobby to greet the board members (which means I open the door so that they are not locked out because my company decided (before I arrived) that a front desk receptionist was unnecessary. Unnecessary for everyone but board members apparently, because they are special.)
• I am told that everyone I work with loves me, because I will do anything. (no not really anything but it seems I give off an easy going vibe--yes Michael you can laugh now...) It is easy to be this person when you only work part time at a job that you know you will be leaving in 4 months. Or as Dave used to say when I was an angry preteen fighting with the parents "just say sure" this is a good life rule ...then go do whatever you were going to do to begin with.
• last night on the walk home from campus I had strong will power, and even with my full wallet, walked past Joey's del and did not buy chips and wine. Unfortunately, or possibly fortunately, I was bragging to Michael about my will power when we walked past and he stopped and grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the store to make said purchase. (note to self...red wine does not taste yummy with sour cream and onion pringles)
• finally I cannot recall where I originally found the link to this but I know at least one person that reads this will enjoy sesame street memories.
  

p.s. I read this a little and added some commas for good measure, not a lot but some, do you like them?

wcpo can suck it.

I stay in to watch bad television because I am not ready for a night of music geeks with the possibility of a performance of "in C" (you would stay in too). There is nothing on my pitiful cable but I settle for channel surfing and a this old house episode. Then I click to my local ABC affiliate WCPO. They taunt me with the teaser for Extreme Makeover their youngest candidate yet. I am thrilled with the prospect of televised humiliation, operations and possible something more interesting than nose jobs like a cleft palate or something good. This is immediately squelched by a voice over that tells me Extreme Makeover will not be on until 1:35am because of special programming. The special programming is something about Billy Graham. I am seriously ashamed to have written so much about this already. first I admit I watch tv as spectacularly bad as Extreme Makeover (just when nothing better is on) then I have to talk about the conservative midwest world that I am subjected to living in and now because of my own schooling. why why why do I live in Cincinnati? The land of paid programming of a religious nature during prime time. please save me. I am trapped between performance art minimalist music and religious programming.

dying*

suddenly I am dying for some of those nasty yummy little potato crispy things they sell for breakfast at hardees or BK or something like that. mmm greasy salty potato goodness. not having any money in my wallet is a good deterrent for this type of awful craving.

*I'm not prone to exaggeration or anything.

not motivated to post chicken salad

in lieu of writing anything real here is the tasty chicken salad I made yesterday
3 chicken breasts seasoned and baked for ~ 20 minutes then chilled then chopped into bite size cubes
2 celery stalks
1/2 reg. size onion
chop very fine (just fine don't mince you still want it to be crispy
green apple -core and dice
green grapes-halve or if they are huge you can cut them smaller
handful of walnuts

mix in a large bowl with a scoop of mayo, a squirt of spicy brown mustard, a scoop of sourcream, a squeeze of lemon juice, a little salt, and some ground pepper. add just enough mayo to make it moist and not white and mushy. add just a little bit of mustard and a dab of sourcream to add some tang. my mom adds dill but I would not do that with the fruits primarily grapes cause the idea skeeves me out. Michael made this last time and added raisins. It seemed like a good idea at the time but this too is nasty, unless you are michael in which case you have warped tastebuds that cannot be trusted.

enjoy...and remember if you try a recipe, tell me how it goes so I can make any adjustments.

you know

when you are at a restaurant, out with friends or at a party...and things are going so nice, and someone keeps your glass filled a little higher than you would normally fill with cabernet sauvignon, and keeps it filled often, without that little breather or water break you think of taking. instead of water you drink beer cause mmm, beer is refreshing. all is well and you feel fine. that is until you are home sitting on your own couch, looking into your own refrigerator, pouring yourself a big glass of water, then you realize that your lips feel tingly and warm and maybe you drank more than you had thought. the nice warm buzz hits you at 1am when you were just preparing to go to bed. maybe this was there before but the new environment, and the interesting company, and your crazy talking self made the distance seem hazy between the fuzzy drinking you, and the sober eating you.
I have such a mouth that I sometimes would rather blame the alcohol for my tendency to tell silly stories or make blunt comments, but really they happen before my first sip. I am me, blunt and honest without any drink. That is why I told my professor exactly what I thought of her class, and that is why I often dwell later on the things I said, or others said, the tone of voice, the inflection and glance associated with every phrase. The wine this evening just adds a glow of warm contentment to my night with friends, but the conversation has not been altered.

really...it is so good

I feel that the post below did not adequately describe the goodness that is these noodles. you read it and you think oh, noodles, cold, mmm hmmm. but really I just ate some for lunch and it is just getting better. so tasty so fresh. not too spicy, in fact could maybe be spicier. the walnuts mmm just right. so truthfully you should make this and tell me if you agree. or if you are lazy you should come over and I will make it for you. just bring wine.

noodles

last night I made a cold noodle dish. fitting because the weather has been stunning. I only know this from the brief moments I have outside between work and class but still it feels different and it is nice to have the windows open in the apartment.
so this is the first time I made this dish it needs a lot of tweaking but I thought I would share it for feedback early on. as always it is a conglomeration of food I had in the fridge and recipes I glanced through and ideas from noodles I had at restaurants. My first reaction is that I need to make the sauce faster next time so it doesn't reduce so much. also it could be less spicy but that is a matter of opinion. I am just afraid that it will get spicer over the next couple days in the fridge.
so here goes.
ingredients
1 pkg. tempeh-cut into cubes
oil (I used combo peanut and sunflower it would be good to use sesame I think but I didnt have any)
fry the tempeh til crispy brown, season with cayenne, salt & pepper
boil a bunch of spaghetti or some other noodle. drain it.
let the oil cool a little and saute
some mushrooms and crushed chopped garlic
add, soy sauce, roasted red pepper, chopped ginger and lime juice and rice wine vinegar
mix/melt in spoonful of tahini, spoonful of peanut butter, I had the crunchy kind,
chop up
a red pepper
green onions
fresh cilantro/parsley
dump pasta and chopped veggies into the pan and mix. top with tempeh and any kind of chopped nut you have on hand I had walnuts. also I added some crushed red pepper.
this sounds more complicated than it is.
it really just requires I bunch of ingredients.
all the ingredients are kind of random as I was using up veggies from my fridge.
let me know what you think or if you have any questions or if you want me to try to make up some specific quantities to make for easier cooking. likewise if you want it set up in a traditional recipe format.
if you live in cincinnati, let me know if you want to come over and try some because I made a lot and michael is driving to florida this afternoon.

why it is good I don't have more cable

I just spent the last 10 no maybe 15 minutes watching a tv show on E! that I am too embarrassed to speak of directly. I can't write more because I must fill my life with more mindless drivel and perhaps some wine and cheesy snacks.

while watching tv I saw a commercial for something like craft corner death match on the Style Channel. that's so wrong, but can be listed with many other reasons why it is good I have very basic cable. I talk marxism but I ooze consumerism as I sit on the couch admiring my newly swiffered hardwood floors.

personal soundtrack continues

"she drives me crazy ha ha....like no one else ha ha...."
so I finally had the opportunity to meet with my prof today and argue about the ridiculousness of her giving me a C+ ahg! and I am so cool calm and collected that as the tension escalated and I was not getting through to her I realized I was going to be late for my other class, and that I was about to burst into tears and I told her as I left the office that hers was "the worst class I have ever taken and I would have learned more if I just read the book" I am so mature. so then I raced of to class, first trying to stop in the ladies room for a quick cry or at least to spash some cold water on my face and the closest restroom to my class was locked (what is up with that! who locks a public restroom what is happening are homeless people sleeping in there? I wouldn't mind if they just kept it unlocked) so instead I just go to class late (so not me) while in class trying to bite back more tears and writing the word angry over and over again on a scrap piece of paper my new prof calls on me first to tell the rest of the class about myself. When everyone finishes the intros he points out, that it is nice to have two students in the class not from a UC undergrad. The other student went to tufts and harvard (I went Bloomsburg, a small state school in pennsylvania). Then later my phone rings (oops forgot to turn it off on the rush into class) Finally, he calls on me again calling me Bloomsburg because he can't find his class list and asks me where the garden of eden was located...if I had any brains left at this point I would have told him that the point is moot as the garden of eden is a myth and if you would like me to guess on the origins of man I can do so but I do not believe in the Christian ethos of such. Instead I shrug and my brain starts singing Babylon...I am so sped. and who needs an IPOD with this personal soundtrack.

luhval

thank you kate for the wonderful time in Louisville. I saw five plays this weekend....had more culture and beer and wine than I have all year. do y'all know that bars in louisville are open til 4am. (yep now I am saying y'all surely that is what living in the south and then a getting a little too close to kentucky can do to you.)

other stuff:
school started back up yesterday but I dropped my monday class due to mental overload. something about dr's appt, hangover residue, rain and cold, reaffirming my lovely C+ is the "correct grade", finding out from my oh so thorough doctor that my thyroid seems enlarged and being told that I am awfully moley and should visit a dermatologist, coming home and being unable to use my keys to open the outside door to the apartment, standing in the rain, feeling like a moron for not being able to use my keys in the door --but dude they worked yesterday...little bit too long of a day for me.
better
so today I am looking better (I guess), feeling better, aware that there are problems with the profs in my department that I will just have to deal with for another year, aware -thanks to deborah-that my thorough dr.-should not be writing me prescriptions for medication but should instead be asking me to return for tests and should be recommending me to an endocrinologist if it is really something to worry about, further realizing that if she spent more than 5 minutes shooting questions in my direction she would understand that most of my thyroid symptoms are the symptoms of my life....and equal to stress and 2 days of continuous drinking in luaville. la la la....are you still reading, don't you wish I typed slower and used punctuation more. no really ...you love it.
finally
I am pretty sure that my advisor, when speaking about health issues in sped, used the word depository when he meant to say suppository. don't want to know where he does his banking.

talk to you soon, will try to use more punctuation then.

if you are interested

all of my other grades are in.
all A's
and one
C+
starting to feel more crazy now.
making jokes about, but truthfully thinking that, maybe I handed in the wrong paper, or maybe I handed in my paper with a couple pages torn off the back. hmmm.

for Nora on why I won't be attending the Ludlow Pinot tasting...

because you asked amy and because it made you laugh...here is some for posterity
Amy-
you know, I liked Sideways but when you mention that story, I think
I'll need to avoid wine tastings for a while. Kind of like after that
episode of Seinfeld, when you were waiting at the movies, everyone was
saying, "No this is this ticket HOLDER'S line." Apparently, the
movie has done a lot for Pinot Noir, and at first I didn't like that I
would look trendy when ordering it, as I have been rocking the pinot
for years. But now I'm just happy because I can get pinot by the
glass everywhere. I know that was really interesting.

Nancy-
I feel the same about the Pinot. and I am indebted to you for
introducing me to it
the pretention gets old especially cause michael likes table red wine
and if given the choice buys carlo rossi piasano by the jug. so it is annoying
to hear people say things like "oh that place only had table wine."
dude a cheap red is great for a big spaghetti dinner. better than
wasting a tasty red with ragu when it can of course be enjoyed more
with some chex mix and bad tv.

and so ...I am indebted to amy for the pinot noir, her to me for the red zin, me to uncle bob and my dad for the red zin...which makes me remember the first time I tried it after a holiday meal, my dad kept saying "do you want to try some zinfindel?" and I kept saying "no, gross, what is wrong with you" the men insisted it was wonderful...I had no idea there was a red zinfindel and I thought if these two crazy men kept trying to force pink wine on me because I was a girl I was going to get really pissed. then I realized....RED zinfindel....what a wonderful thing. this wine packs a punch, it beats up your mouth. yum

so amy did you ever try the little penguin? so cheap and so tasty.
and nora, wine tastings ...we should do one with the wine at my house right now...that way we can polish off the bottles we like in the name of tasting with no need to swirl and spit.

more momism (on a better note)

what is a better note? is it sweeter sounding?

anyway here are the good things.
two other grades I have so far ...both A's...thought they were going to be A minuses so that is cool

HIGHLY exciting news. Michael got accepted to the Aspen Music Festival for film scoring. this is awesome. They only invite 6 students. Unfortunately he did not receive a scholarship so we need to do some creative banking to make it happen. Fear not it will happen.

Due to the impeding film scoring extravaganza Michael is thinking of switching to Mac (woo hoo) also highly expensive but so much fun...more new geeky stuff)

Final momism for the day. (you may not realize but most words that come out of my mouth are really my mothers and that is what prompted these titles so...) "the more you do the more you wanna do" I am living testimony to this as I am doing nothing but sitting my futon and contemplating drinking away my C+. But really it is true. tonight we are having nora and quinn for BBQ beef sandwiches and then off to the Blue Wisp to see the Big Band.

BBQ sandwich recipe
chuck roast-trim off the disgusting edges
toss in crockpot on low
add
can tomato soup
water
BBQ sauce from bottle
some ground black pepper
optional
add onions, garlic, other seasonings

cook on low for 6-8 hours. break apart beef with fork. serve on soft potato buns.
and finally if you are nancy, fix yourself some veggie burrito from last night because...I don't eat this stuff.

on a rant (and other appropriated momisms)

so I am a complete freak and my hands shaking because my unofficial grade reports have a C+ listed for my autism class. (is blogging about school taboo, like blogging about work? I don't really care I am going to do it anyway) This class was a serious waste of my time. One of those experiences where I felt like I had the book knowledge before I entered and I wish these doctorates of education and their twittering teaching assistants would try to find some actual real life knowledge to impart. Well, there were several guest speakers some useful (real life classroom techniques) some painful (alternative therapies-now don't get me wrong I love homeopathy but again do I need a 45 slide powerpoint? or can I just read about them online? especially when it is acknowledged that you are not a medical professional and you don't want to pass on your opinions then you do through anecdotal stories of your adult autistic son...how cute almost right up there with another prof. who has been known to show a video from the cancelled [thank god] tv show "it's a miracle" prefaced by the statement that if this doesn't make you cry then you should be going into special ed. look buddy it doesn't make me cry and that is exactly why I should be going into special ed. to kick the ass of all you pansies who spend the day oohing ahhing and having a pity party with the CP kids. I'm here to kick some ass get it.[yikes long parenthetical rant])
so needless to say I am throat chokingly angry at the audacity of this prof. who did not give us any grades this quarter or provide us with any feedback. this is a college of education, doesn't that seem like the exact opposite of what they should be "modeling" (in teacher speak)

books

did I tell you I have putting up the books I am reading on xanga? well now that I am in spring break for real I am plowing through the novels.
check out this site for the details with amazon links

http://www.xanga.com/nfancie

also please leave me any suggestions
I will be off to the library tomorrow.

also let me know if you want any I will stick them in the mail when I am through or walk them over if you are in cincinnati.

hi mom!

so I just got an email from my mom
asking me what blogs were because they had been all over the news and she felt like it was getting to be ubiquitous and she felt out of the loop for not knowing.
I must be in a weird mood.
I told her what they were and told her I would send her some links to ones she might find amusing. Then with little thought I sent her a link to mine.
so
Hello MOM!
everyone say hey to my mom-everyone being my ~5 friends who check this out occasionally.
enjoy.

jolly rancher

my brain is much too fried to write anything real

here are some things:
-my car smells like a watermelon jolly rancher (if you would like your car to smell similarly send me an email and your address and I will send you a leaf that smells uncannily like a jolly rancher)
-michael and I cleaned out junk from the whole apartment (it is bad when he promotes my weekend procrastination) 4 bags of clothes and house stuff out to the goodwill
-still have one more final to write (I hope I can pull it off tomorrow afterwork and make it worth handing in so that I don't have to take and incomplete and feel guilt the entire time I am in Michigan)
-I am going to Michigan for spring break (who the hell goes to Michigan for springbreak? apparently I do...wine tastings, massages, and a cheesy looking B&B[yay a floral motif])
-I wish I had friends near here to go over to their houses and sit on their couches and moan when I am feeling as Bleh as I have been feeling all week.
-you know you are pathetic when an 85% on a paper that you spent no time writing is enough to bum out your whole afternoon-how pathetic (when did I switch from the blase student I was to the anal retentive freak I am? I missed that switch I bet that it happened about the same time as the purchase of the itchy wool waist pants...ugh)
-I ditched the sad looking cilantro, but the other herbs are doing well, and tasting lovely in my dinners. (Michael bought me a new cilantro that is just as sad as my old one or maybe worse...its the though that counts and all that....maybe I will chop up the entire thing while it is still green and use it before I kill it ...not that it has much further to go.

broken

stupid thing is broken and people can't leave comments
don't know why
but if you love me remember that I am entering finals week and send me some love.
-nancy

finals

tonight when I got home from class I ran the tub and grabbed one of the books amy sent me so that I could relax for a couple minutes in the bath. I didn't want anything too brainy so I thought a novel would do me some good for a couple minutes. amy, apparently the post it note you affixed to the jodi picoult book ...not the sister one the one about the murder suicide... well even the post it note clearly marked this book sucks! could not dissuade me. I must be leaking brain cells from my ears because I also saw a blue tag on the book that proclaimed this book will soon be a Lifetime movie. and still I thought it might be just what I needed to come down after a 2 1/2 hour class on early language development. I read about 3-4 pages in before it got so bad I had to stop. Then I flipped to the last page to see how it ended. then I flipped around in the middle to see if I could find a point of reason somewhere in the plot. The only thing I could find was a brief mention of the girl's depression and how the boy knew she was a cutter, after she came to him, after he knocked up the blond cantaloupe breasted cheerleader... ugh. I feel dumber having spent 5 minutes of my life with that book in my hand. I can't give it to anyone now and I feel bad even bringing it to the goodwill. I think it might have to just go right in the trash. If I don't set fire to it on the stove. Well, It was a good incentive to get back to writing papers.

p.s. the other jodi picoult book was not nearly this offensive. even though the 13 year old thought in a very metaphoric manner that did not ring true to me for someone 13. also killing her off was such a 13 year old way to get an ending out. it is something we would have done in the books we started to write at 12. the ones about the kids at the beach. we could have written summerland or the OC but with tweens. but what do I know. I'm sped.

the only good thing...

about my weekend thus far is that I bought (rather Michael bought for me) 5 herbs that are growing in pots. I now am the proud owner of a sage, a parsley, a chive, a oregano, and a very sad looking cilantro. I am highly disappointed in the sad state of the cilantro as it is my new favorite herb. (this can be atested to by the folks who watched me lick the bowl of Nora's yummy guacomole last night just so I could savor some more cilantroey goodness. Also how cool are friends that make guacomole,salad with apples, strawberries, onions, and a balsamic-ricotta dressing, paella, and bananas foster on a friday night. Nora and Quinn rock my world.
Matthew just remains a puzzle. Anyone that after a couple glasses of wine spontaneously jumps up and says "lets do charades" and proceeds to get the members of the household to get the charade "The 2nd law of thermodynamics" in less than 3 minutes, is probably not from this planet. What remains is the concept that he hates mimes (or professes to) as much as the rest of us, and yet later in the evening he roused us again figure out the charade "Planet of the Apes 5: Battle for the Planet of the Apes". I can't even begin to think about how his brain works...only that I am glad there is someone like him in the world (even though one is enough)

wish me luck on my herbs. I really don't have any sunlight here and I give little hope to the cilantro.

also who the hell plays charades anymore. I felt like a dickens character.

crazy people who steal from me

so someone in my building (of only 5 apartments)keeps stealing my laundry detergent. Like I said it is a small building and there is a coin-op washer and dryer in the basement that everyone uses. There is a counter set up with everyone's detergent and dryer sheets marked with apartment numbers in sharpie pen (because we can't be expected to remember which brand we bought)
The first time it happened we had just come back from the store and had not yet labeled the bottle. good people that we are we saw the error of our ways and the next bottle we bought I labeled (A LOT) I put our number all over the bottle and the lid and I even wrote a little note from the detergent asking people not to use it because this particular detergent thought me and michael were pretty nice folks that didn't deserve to be screwed around with. Now I ask you. What kind of a sick person takes laundry detergent that talks?
I feel like I have been transported back to my days with passive aggressive psycho Julie. Dude, neighbors...if you need to borrow some detergent just ask its no big deal...but don't steal our stuff. We are very busy students on very low funds. We don't have the dollars to go buying bottles of detergent every week. Not even the really cheap store brand bottles. also how sad is it that you steal the cheap store brand bottles that we buy and not the other neighbors fancy Tide and Whisk.
As we speak Michael is going door to door to implore our neighbors not to take our stuff or maybe to scare them silly so they do not steal stuff again. now he is back and has had no luck but the people in number three were home but did not come to the door. hmmm. number three the only apartment that we don't know the people...
Any suggestions will be helpful and welcome. Right now we will have to wait to buy some more before we can do laundry, then we will have to keep the detergent in the apartment and carry it up and down 4 flights of stairs everytime we put it a new load. well I will try to be a glass half full girl and say...I guess it will build up my arms grr.

these things are so stupid

but kate needs mail...so if you feel the motivation copy it and send your back to her....hey copy me too because I need to procrastinate
1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? From Neurons to Neighborhoods-a government report on early childhood development
2. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 12:55am
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Don't have one yay for the laptop
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? not much of a boardgame girl, but I did play Parcheesi last night with Quinn
5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?all of em...addicted to the glossy goodness of fashion mags, but enjoy prevention and the mom magazines on the coffee table at home just as much
6. BABIES? um...sean francis?
7. FAVOURITE SOUND? guiro-wooden rhythm instrument yay!
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? anxiety
9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? I'm hungry
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? as many as it takes to find where I left it usually my coat pocket
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME: because I banned michael from naming future kids michael probably michaela
12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? blue
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? love
14. FAVOURITE FOOD? bread
15. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? indeed, but have slowed down considerably after my court summons and with my dwindling student bank account
17. SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? michael
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? cool, if I'm indoors
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1986 chevy nova
20. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? not sure...
21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? red wine-a shiraz perhaps (love the little penguin) or a chianti
22. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?two camping chairs and a blanket
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? singer, or artist can I do both? -also I guess I should want to be a teacher since I am paying all of this money to go to school for that
25. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Quinn, cause he told me he wanted to read mine but said he wouldn't send one back
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? still am
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? half-empty
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? mostly, but not the numbers
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? summer clothes and lost socks
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 8
32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Basketball
33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO
SENT THIS TO YOU? Katie's an angel...(sometimes) but really she is so cool and has the coolest job and is a tough girl that I love very very very much
34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? I second the beach thought
35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? fuzzy soft blue socks
that make me slide around the hardwood in the apartment
36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY? Beach
37. TECHNOLOGY OR ART? art
38. COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy....sometimes
39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? shoulders I guess
40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? when classes are over
41. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I don't buy CD's I wait for cool people to burn me mixes
43. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? butt (never knew the value of a good butt massage til physical therapy for the hips)
44. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? depends on your occupation
45.WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? in 8 minute increments from 6:45 to 7:45 on weekdays.
46. What's YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? my new whisk....or maybe my speedy wine opener or my fatty wooden spoon and definitely the dishwasher...I like the kitchen
47. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? practically everything but mostly ignorance and arrogance
48. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR 4x4? Sports car--but I'd rather have a new civic hybrid, b/c (my name is rain and this is my dress made of wheat)
49. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? on occasion
50. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Summer
51. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? freezing people or time or something like that or the iceman thing where he makes those little ice highways to slide around on
52. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?nope
53. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Not even a little bit.
54. WHAT\'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? some imaginary good day that is perpetually about 5 years away
55. WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? sushi apparently its what evil tastes like yum wasabi
56. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO\'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? michael
57. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? Katie. She rules
58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? the tom & jerry where they run the water in the sink and open the refrigerator and turn the kitchen into a skating rink and use the jello mold as a light gel
59. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL? sushi, or chinese, or cool stuff that I cook....yum. food.
60. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? I think I would like to go sailing in the Mediterranean
61. DO YOU HAVE PETS? not yet.

welcome

everyone give a shout out to Dave. (everyone being the three other people that read this)
not sure it is a good idea to tell my family about my blog but you know I was never good at keeping my mouth shut.
anyway, how cool is it to read your name on the INTERNET?!! huh?

tonight was insane marxist theories. that class is so convoluted I have no idea how my final will turn out. luckily the prof does not believe in the normal curves and gives good grades for showing up and showing that you have a brain and can use it to read and form your own opinions.

part 1: My personal soundtrack* (why my personal soundtrack sucks)**

"say goodbye to hollywood, say goodbye my baby...say goodbye to hollywood, say goodbye my baby"

how much does it suck to have obscure billy joel in my head at work.
I totally wish I could change stations. the worst thing about my personal soundtrack is that it has no reference. I can't remember the last time I actually listened to any billy joel, so how I have no idea how it attaches itself to my brain in the middle of the work day.

I guess I should be thankful that today it is not showtunes (like yesterday...."everthins up to date in Kansas city")

*if you are new to the concept of my personal soundtrack it is the music that is in my head almost 24/7. I can turn it off if suitably occupied, in class, at a movie, other great music can help. but it is like my brain needs more activity than I can provide during work, so if I do not have music it will provide some. I think this explains my fascination with movie soundtracks. can you imagine the excitement if my life was accompanied aloud by my personal soundtrack? unfortunately most times it is not accurate to the mood of real life.

** this is probably part one of a series...just in case the soundtrack ever gets cool, you too can be in on the action. dance party baby.

slacker....but I can cook

so tonight I did no homework none, not even a little, haven't even opened a book
but I did make veggie burritos. half way through I realized that we didn't have salsa and the salsa container in the fridge was one michael was re-using to hold hot sauce. but I solved that ...so here is what I did.
I kept in separate containers so that when alyssa came she could pick and choose what she like and how much
first
sauteed a sliced green pepper and red pepper, a finely chopped clove of garlic, and an onion in some olive oil. also added a finely chopped jalapeno. I was not feeling too spicy tonight so I took out the seeds. added some fresh cilantro and some oregano...yum. cook but make sure veggies stay slightly crispy.
then
quick cook rice add chopped cilantro and mix
then
mash two + avocados with lime juice some chopped jalapeno and salt...yummy
then
empty a can of black beans into a pan with their liquor (I read that in a cook book, doesn't it sound better than bean goop) season with cilantro, cumin, cayenne, chilis until it smells and tastes yummy.
finally
the salsa I forgot slammed together quickly. I already used all the peppers in the saute oops so. this is....1 large chopped tomato, 1/2 chopped onion, more chopped cilantro (its in everything yay!) another jalapeno, again leave in seeds if you want it spicy. I squeezed in some lime juice and added a little ketchup. the ketchup is good because it makes the less than ripe tomatoes better, it also adds just the right amount of sugar and vinegar to make the salsa taste good fast without having to sit around and meld together the flavors of everything.
grate some cheddar or jack cheese, and put out some sour cream and things are ready to go.
all you have to do is nuke some burrito wrappers then you can just move down the line and create your own veggie burrito to taste....
this is fast and you can make a ton and have leftovers.
the only thing that takes a little while is the chopping and it goes a lot faster if you don't have to make salsa.
the other thing I forgot was lettuce...but I didn't have a replacement for that.

not that I think I am special....

but I keep having these minor breakdowns trying to get 4 classes worth of work done over the weekend. I feel like the people I am hanging out with (stupid CCM) just have time to do what they like and I start to feel bitter about having a day job. Then what I realized this weekend was the only thing I ever really get done is that which is immediately due monday night. sad that it took me 7 weeks into a 10 week quarter to figure out that gem. the rough part is not having any time to do anything fun. (or even do any laundry --now that is sad) I keep making plans and thinking I will have fun on the weekend and then the enormity of the work I need to accomplish smacks me in the head and I start to cancel plans and pout about how overwhelming it all is. This leads to forced inactivity. Where not only do I have more to accomplish in two days than is humanly possible but I also am sitting on the futon with a book open on my lap thinking about day time tv and wishing I had better cable.
my new wisdom is existentialism...which I can never seriously embrace as I am obsessed with time and with my grades. so instead I will just try to finish my papers the day before they are due and have the usual meltdown during the week before finals week. do you remember going to school when you used to get a couple days off before finals for studying...yeah that doesn't exist anymore. and for grad school all of my final projects are due the week before finals. ( I think the profs are lazy and don't want to grade these long ass projects over one weekend when grades are due in on monday)
so along with a meltdown last weekend I went to a piano recital, went hiking and to the cool ben folds concert. I also did all my reading for monday and my presentation. not too bad. now I just have to get on it for the stuff due wednesday....

jealous?

I went to see Ben Folds last night.
The show was really good.

ouch

can somebody advise me how to deal with wedding stuff
without hurting anyone's feelings or bothering anyone?

I really want to skip the whole thing and elope but I think that will piss off more people (including michael) than holding an actual event.

I hate the whole idea of the actual event especially the ungodly sums of money that I will either owe a credit card company or get from the parents.

ack.
I don't even want to think about it.
bleh

why I am marrying this guy

because I have been mildly pouty all night.
he sits beside me and kisses my neck and doesn't even complain when I accidently elbow him in the neck...I meant to hit the shoulder.
he gets up to make himself a drink and offers to get me something
he opens a bottle of the yellow tail shiraz and gets me a glass before he makes his drink.
I really like this boy.

the week thus far...in a disjointed manner

I don't update on here, yet I obsessively check other blogs I read. It is the only thing left I can use to procrastinate other than eating and sleeping.
I have things going on in my life. things other than the usual eating, sleeping, working, class, and homework. things that make my body thrum inside with something between anxiety and anticipation. I want to write about things but have been reminded recently that things that I talk about, that I feel connected to and obliterated or driven by are not always my things alone to talk about...so existential crises aside...
I guess if I was truly aware I would be feeling this feeling all the time. because what happens in our lives is fragile and easily changed, however it is difficult to remember things can change when you exist in the routine of work and school and sleep.
food
too busy or too lazy to cook. yesterday was chipotle...mmmm. because I didn't have any cilantro at home, I needed to go out.
last night I went to bed very early to see if it would make today better. I set my alarm for 5:45pm accidently and then woke up at 7:30am, so that didn't really work.
I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies an evening wherein I sit on the couch and have a beer instead of writing a paper. maybe I should have had beer and a paper. maybe I should have another and start that paper now.

food

I finally got out of bed (due to hunger) so me and michael cooked like crazy. we made some more bruschetta as a snack and to use up the cherry tomatoes, and Michael made some mushroom soup. (He is still experimenting with that recipe but I will post it when we have it down.) Then I made a pie. Here is the recipe for that one. I will call it apple pie with anchorage pie crust because I got the crust recipe from the mother of a former work study student in my office at Duke. I can't remember her name ...wait no...I think her name was Kelly, but all I remember is her mom made good pies. Kelly didn't know you could buy a slice of pie or a whole pie at the store until college. She thought they were something you had to make...so here is the recipe because I know you are tired of my unpunctuated ranting

2 c. flour
1 tsp. salt (I used sea salt this time)
2/3 a cup shortening (visually separated into 3 parts fill 2 with shortening and 1 with unsalted butter)
5-7 T. very very cold water (add 5 then see if you need more)

mix ingredients with a pastry cutter (I don't have one of these so I use two knives or a fork but I lust after pastry cutters and other kitchen gadgets that I will one day register for if I ever set a date for the wedding) form into a ball. try not to touch it or play with it more than you have to or it will get tough. break into two equal size pieces and wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate.

core & peel 4-6 granny smith apples and slice thin. make sure to slice out that hard part in the middle it is not nice to get in your mouth later. mix slices in a bowl with 2/3-3/4 c. sugar, tsp. cinnamon, dash of nutmeg and 2T flour. you can also make a prettier pie by layering the apple slices with the sugar mixture...but I was too lazy for that tonight.

roll out the dough (this is tricky but like I told michael when he tried this for the first time tonight. the ingredients are good and the pie will taste good even if it is not martha stewart perfect) keep the counter and the rolling pin (or for pathetic people like me in college old wine bottle or pint glass) lightly covered in flour. this is like play-doh...it will stick to itself so be careful. if it gets bad you can always scrape it up with a spatula and stick it together in places with some warm water.

lay one section in the pie pan, pour in the apple mixture. lay the other section on top. be as martha as you like here on the edges, the easiest thing to do is press it together with a fork. make some vents in the top for steam to escape. again if you want to get fancy you can brush the top with egg wash (1 egg yolk, 1T water mixed) this will make the top shiny. or you can put some granulated sugar on top. or both.

let me know how it goes or if you have any questions.
suggestions-use more cinnamon if you like...I am not a cinnamonny kind of girl
use other types of apples...I like the granny smiths for everything because they are sour. most people suggest them for pies but you may want to use something else.
mine just came out of the oven...I will let you know how it tastes as soon as it cools.

the weekend (in a nutshell)

which always makes me picture disney chip and dale chipmunks paddling down a stream in a nutshell.

Friday night I got my tax return and my paycheck and proceeded to spend gobs of money on a lovely dinner out with friends and then went to see Julianna in the play Oleanna. It was nice to do something cultural for a change, as my usual friday night consists of drinking until I fall asleep, eating junkfood and hanging out with friends (wow I love those friday nights...mmm, junk food)
Oleanna was thought provoking but with some stilted language. it would be good to read the play.

Saturday was an exciting day of scrubbing the bathroom and writing a paper on the nature of cognitive develop ( I know you wish you had my life) the high point was a trip to the grocery store where I spent even more money but have so much food to show for it in a typically american over consumer fashion.

Today: I have spent the entire day in bed. except for brief bathroom breaks and a foray into the kitchen for food (yum fresh berries in vanilla yogurt with walnuts and granola, hot tea with cream and sugar mmmm) This is not to say that I am not getting things done. Of course I am that is what the laptop is for. I have completed a powerpoint presentation on organizational methods for the child with autistic spectrum disorder and moved all of my files off of the other computers and onto this computer. The bedroom is a good place to work because there is no tv here so I am not sucked into an E! true hollywood stories and there is a door so I can block out the sounds of the movie michael is scoring (Core, it is highly exciting did you ever see it? don't)

I feel like I should get out and do more exciting things. I do live in a city even if it is Cincinnati, yet I also am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to complete all of my school work even if I never watch tv again.

Hope your weekends were good and filled with yummy food and drink.

tonight

I went to class and felt disconnected and confused. my prof talks to the class of forty people as if we are ten people and wants feedback, but mouthy me doesn't know what to do. I want to jabber and write down stuff to send him an email later about all the things I am thinking in class and the questions I have but the material is so complicated it is all I can do to hang on to the edge. I wish it was a seminar size instead of this stupid mass lecture. I wish at my age I knew how to connect to people in some sort of meaningful way. Meaningful enough so that I would not have to feel like I was asking for someones first born child when I wanted a recommendation.

other stuff:
I went to Leanne's viola recital this evening. It was good. I need to do more for me. More art and enjoying things outside of my living room.
This Friday we are going to a play, so that is a good start, also that way I will have saturday and sunday for 2 papers and a presentation.

We made Bruschetta tonight. Usually I use more fresh ingredients but this is the pared down recipe.

~1 1/2 pints cherry or grape tomatoes halved
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp basil
2 cloves fresh garlic smashed and chopped fine
1/4c. romano fresh grated
1/4 c. parmesan from the shaker
pinch of thyme
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 tsp ground pepper
1/4 tsp sugar
3-4 T extra virgin olive oil
2 T balsamic vinegar
2 T red wine vinegar

mix this together in a bowl. all measurements are approximate because I didn't measure anything. I would usually use fresh basil and fresh mozzarella too, but I did not have any, so grind the dried herbs in your palm to get them going before you toss in. Taste as you go. Sugar is optional, more necessary in winter when the tomatoes aren't as fantastic.

slice a loaf of french bread into slices, thinner if you want them crispier. spray or brush olive oil on both sides of toasts and broil for approx. 10 minutes or until golden and of desired crispiness.

take hot breads (crostinis) out of the oven. take a clove of garlic, peel and slice in half. lightly rub the garlic on the crostinis. If you are not a garlic lover skip this step the garlic taste will permeate the bread in a fantastic way but awfully strong if you are not a garlic lover.

open a fantastic bottle of red wine, light red candles, put tomato mixtures on bread and toast the Chinese New Year with all your lucky red colored foods.*

*I know nothing about the chinese new year other than it is today and red is a lucky color.


Tell me how it goes if you make it and how the amounts are. It will definitely help with the christmas cookbook

recipes

by the way,
I will be starting to post recipes soon
so try them out and then tell me if I screwed up on the amounts or if you added something that made it spectacular. that way when I am poor and jobless next year I can give my family & friends a kick ass cookbook for christmas!

so look for them...


they are coming....

a la dooce I am: Feeling Guilty

because I think I am going to stay home and work on my midterm and make some dinner (read watch bad day time tv) instead of volunteering at an afterschool program. but really the guilt is good, it will make me more apt to go next week. (APT! random inappropriate lisa simpson reference that I couldn't bear to leave out)

michael is a wonderful boy and spent an One and a half hours at walmart while the guys tried to find the nail in my tire that kept making it go flat at inopportune times (is there ever an opportune time)

apparently I am very punchy today.

Nora we still have lots of leftovers so if you want to come over for dinner and bring that boy you hang out with that's cool. anyone else I know in cincy can come too, but if lots of people come I might have to actually cook something.

because you care

Last night I had a dream where I was in high school. Michael was there (in a very arbitrary sort of way). It was all drama, and choir, and lunch. Lorelei Gilmore and Katherine Hepburn (older) were in the school play and I was supremely pissed that I was not. skulking around backstage and trying to sneak into the fancy shmancy velvet seats auditorium.

When I woke up, I told Michael I dreamed I was in High School...

He said he did too. (his dream included math, english, science etc.)

weird.

superbowl

YAY! eggles! (no that's not a typo it is a fluffia way of pronunciation...thank you amy)
so YAY! EAGLES!
boo...language development midterms.

last night I got my drink on with Alyssa, Nora, Quinn something like 3 bottles of wine...yum...cheesy dip. and now I must get to work, so I can minimize the amount of time I need to do homework during the game.

eaten

blogger just ate a post I wrote about my torrential mood swings.
my abilities to get homework done
michael's impending family doom and possible inheritance of some accordians
how I will miss our weekend rituals
how life sucks when you don't have the food network on tv to watch while you do papers on the couch.

that sums it up.


oh and also I am on a mood swing sugar kick, Dr. Pepper and poptarts for breakfast and a twix for a post lunch snack.
tonight may warrant a break out of the emergency brownies.
do you have a box of these in your cupboard? you should.

trying to gain some clarity...thinking I'd rather have another glass of wine

I am sitting on my futon and feeling at ease. with a bowl of chili and a corn muffin in my tummy and a glass of wine by my side (the fat bastard chardonnay). I am watching tv and it is my nice good relaxing night of the week. the only one I have. I spent it doing my taxes ugh, and filling out my financial aide forms for next year...again I am a highly exciting person. I need friends. I love to be alone and I have friends spread about the US, but no one who I know will come and play with me on a tuesday in Cincinnati. I talked to lili yesterday and I really need to follow up with dance classes we can take because if I don't start moving soon my body will mummify and the slow steady stream of alcohol will just help.
yesterday I had a minor meltdown after coming home from work. crying for no reason or maybe too many reasons. I am having trouble keeping up with school to my liking, which is not the same as really having problems and keeping up with life. I wake up minutes before I need to leave and race around the apartment wishing I had more time to boil and steep my tea....more time to iron and choose my clothes, and more time to just sit and breath by myself.
I like to be alone but I am cocooning myself in the apartment in a false effort to do schoolwork and really I am just watching bad tv and wishing my living room was filled with the people I used to know, in what seems like another lifetime.


also-I am so tired of trying to pretend I am smart or maybe insightful in posts to blackboard regarding our future roles as educators or therapists and how we will provide everything within our power to students, think outside of the box to give this child the best services possible. while I feel this is an important point I am tired of talking about it. At some point we must stop being idealists and become materialists making a difference in our world in a real way. I am currently just making a dent in the futon and wishing it was a comfy couch.

want to come over for wine and cookies? that doesn't go right? well A- you can have vanilla soymilk and I can have bread and cheese and it will all work out. take a road trip and come to see me soon. spring break starts March 21st.

playing

because I am not doing homework this is how I am spending my time.
I wanted to comment on my friends blogs, cincinnati friends. So I had to join xanga so I am playing with that. Here is the site www.xanga.com/nfancie

so maybe I will write there sometimes.
aren't I annoying, hard to track down, hard to be friends with....always moving all over the country or the internet.

out there

while I still compose mini blog entries in my head, I felt that they were silly and mundane and disrespectful to that fact that I am still torn apart about ashley's death. and more so about my fear and unhappiness for angelique. be well sweet girl. I want to be near you to hold your hand but instead I am in ohio.

on ohio
I am still in my winter funk. and not fun funk like michael's tunes, just sad wet dreary snowfilled cold ohio school ick. I am a passionate person, but I am tired of everything about school and most things about work. However I still come home from my good classes with my energy high, talking a mile a minute (in mom terms), freaking out about the state of education today and politics and the details of human development on a species level. I love school.

on loving school and hating winter
school is annoying and wonderful. I am completely behind and will need to literally hibernate for the rest of the quarter in order to get all of my papers finished. The only thing that makes me think I may get this done is the slow increase in daylight hours. The shortest day of the year has passed and now the sun is starting to rise on the way to work and still in the sky when I leave my early classes. funny how motivating that can be.

ashley

I can't even think of how to talk about this weekend. Back to Pennsylvania in a 8 hour drive...the only time I didn't dread the drive, to be near Angelique.

Ashley
I don't know what to write about Ashley.

-She was only 24 (did she turn 25 yet?)
-She was wickedly smart.
-musical
-studying economics (eek!) and enjoying it.
-had the same funky mole above her knee that I do.
-told me once that I looked like Jodie Foster (not really)
-would raise one eyebrow when she thought you were acting too stupid, or telling bad jokes, or trying to get one past her.
-was more adult than me at 13...more of a grown up than I probably am now.
-danced her butt off at Angelique's thunderstormy wedding
-didn't need to be drunk to do that
-overloved all the kittens and zoe
-fed zoe (the husky dog) french toast off of a fork
silly little things, I know, but just what comes to mind this evening.
I hurt inside to think of her family and the struggle of this last year and a half. these events often make me wish for religion. this does not make me wish that. I keep thinking of the description of heaven in the book "The Lovely Bones" not necessarily a favorite, but I like the girl in her personal heaven, outside the high school, on the swings, and only having to go inside for art and music. no bells ringing or mean kids. I probably think of this because I haven't spent real time with Ashley since high school.

I know only a couple people who may read this in the next week. so if you knew ashley leave a note...something you remember, it will be nice to remember together even if it is online. thanks.

I read, I watch bad TV, I cook without using a measuring cups...

reading: letters from marx...communist tracts. by putting this on the internet does the put me on some sort of government subversive watch list or am I watching too many movies. also reading (or should be) human development reports for government agencies....aren't you sad. you are missing out.

watching: E! true hollywood whatever between work and class for 20 minutes...numerous episodes of law & order, the simpsons, (instead of the nightly news and weather, which explains why I wore a sweater to work today even though it was 70 degrees --it is JANUARY! what is up with this...michael wants to find a connection to the earthquakes and tsunami but even a conspiracy theorist like me is having problems with that one. I did start to listen to a little weather...it is supposed to be 10 degrees by friday.)

If you would like to be a participant in the Nancy & Michael test kitchens, send me an email and I will start to send you recipes. We cook all the time, but are bad about using measuring cups and spoons. This makes it very difficult to share recipes with friends and family. Especially those who consider using the toaster, cooking. We are going to try to make up amounts for some of the food we cook and enjoy. Then give the recipes to you...then I need to hear if we screwed up in our guesstimates of amounts of things. like it needed more pepper...it tasted like ass...the noodles soaked up all the broth.

Yummy recipe this week. some sort of asian style mushrooms soup...ginger, veggie stock, whole mushrooms, green onions other stuff....yum.

headache

so, I love wine. but I really don't need to help my friends drink 4 bottles and champagne for one evening. Last night was fun. lots of friends. Nora and Quinn rock...they brought wine and pizza and junk food into my house. and I was eating healthy. the pizza was good.
now I have a huge list of things I need to do. including my christmas thank you notes and I am sitting in bed playing on the internet with my new laptop. This is the most expensive toy I ever bought and if it doesn't make my headache or my homework go away soon I think I will feel very guilty. Shouldn't I be saving for a house or something. maybe if I had a real job or a clue about what city and what part of the country I was headed to in next year or so.
Beyond that it is wonderful to hang out with so many great people. Also good to talk to them to realize that everyone's life is just as crazy. I want to lay out years in advance. plan the wedding/party that michael will love, figure out where I am living working etc. and I really need to do one thing at a time. Like start with cleaning my junk out in the office and paying bills and moving on to the big things as they come.

grades, rain, dance parties

did I tell you about freaking out about my B's from last quarter? Well, I found out today that one was primarily due to the fact that I inadvertently didn't answer two test questions on a take home final. I am not going to add up the missed points and recalculate the grade with the skipped questions. I am just going to sit and type and wonder how it is possible to skip part e of question 2 and 3. Do I just block out the letter e in outlines and any information that follows it? I would love to be able to blame the formatting on the computer, but when I read the questions they don't look even vaguely familiar to me. Like I didn't even attempt to answer them. That is pathetic.

other stuff

it has been raining in cincinnati since we returned on sunday. this is getting old. especially because on sunday it was about 50 degrees out and the temperature has been dropping since. So now it is rainy and cold. By the time I get to class my pants are soaked to the knees. I need boots or rain pants (do they make rain pants?). a 2 1/2 hour class is just enough time to dry out almost but not the cuffs, before it is time to venture out again.

tonight michael and I had a dance party in the house. it was fun but I miss Amy's cyclotron, either that or I need Michele and some fat bastard chardonnay to make it really happen. I suggest personal dance parties for your next rainy day/week.

bloomsburg

so eventually I did get out of snowy cincinnati. spent 2 days with my family and the rest of the time in bloomsburg. I will miss cafe mollo in the mornings or afternoons or whenever you get out of bed someone asks if you would like some breakfast. all you have to do is sit and look at the paper.

from the streets of bloomsburg I was accosted by a woman with a small child in tow.
"would you like the free gift of eternal life?"
me-"uh, no thanks" don't walk light goes off but walk does not turn on...must be burnt out...or the will of god.
her "its already been paid for."
who knew?


also favorite overly repeated quote of the holiday(from kate)

why are the crachet's all wearing red in the last scene of a christmas carol?
several normal child suggestions are thrown out by members of the youth theater group...then out of nowhere
"maybe its for the blood of christ, uhdunknow" --said more like a throat noise that actual words

and that is the end of my jesus talk for what I hope is a long long time.

in other news.
I am freaking out with the idea of starting classes again tonight and work again tomorrow.
I just bought a powerbook and I love it a lot.

eve

still in cincinnati and hoping that the roads and the lines at the airport and the planes will let me leave today. everything is on time so far.

stuck

so there has been a massive snow storm and I am trapped in cincinnati. (is this a circle of hell?) my flight has been cancelled and with a 40 minute hold I rescheduled. the taxi scheduled to pick me up at 8am has not arrived (it is now 9:30am). If I had any hair left (you will see what I am talking about soon michael, --I hope--) I would be pulling it out. it is a level 3 snow emergency...-"whatever that means"-mom. which according to the news means that if you are not a plow or an emergency worker you should not drive--and as an added benefit if we catch you driving...or stuck in a snow bank, we can ticket/arrest you. lovely. not that my honda civic was going anywhere anyway. there was a bus trapped on my block for about 2 hours this morning, it was sideways and blocking a lane and a side street. I love christmas. oh and the best yet is that the news says the airport has run out of de-icer. do you think the clerk responsible for that order will have a job in the new year? I wish that this snow emergency would go away if only to provide me with some mindless daytime tv instead of the constant news and weather on every channel (that is all channels but PBS, they are showing teletubbies and callilou---it must be hell).

christmas is coming...

is everybody happy??? whatever.
this morning I woke up extremely early to scare myself by listening to weather and traffic reports, then I went out super early to scrape and brush all the snow and ice off of my car. (a kind of circular process when it is still snowing) I got in and my (new) windshield wipers were doing a piss poor job of removing any water from the windshield. I drove (slid) around the block and parked in a different spot. no work for me today. which just give me more time to get anxious about holiday traveling and the continuous snow. (which sadly could be so fun if I was not here by myself and agonizing about the possibility of spending an eternity in the crappy no restaurants part of the airport. why do I live in cincinnati? wait don't answer that. it was rhetorical, I swear. I called into work (what a lame day to miss, the office move, holiday snacks, nothing crazy.) and to my mama so she wouldn't worry 'bout me. she warned me of the airline I am flying, its job cuts and the high probability of not receiving my luggage in a timely manner. I repacked my carry-on to include christmas presents and dress clothes instead of just a books and snacks. did I mention that michael forgot to pack dress clothes (and shoes) and I have to check a bag just to provide him with shoes (not sneaker, or gym shoes, or tennis or whatever you call them in your part of the world). so, while packing the bag I figured I may as well continue my tradition of overpacking and not keeping track of outfits to days ratio etc. I threw in extra clothes for the both of us. now if 'ridiculous christmas' does not fully outfit us, I shall.
can't believe I wrote so much drivel. this from someone who watched morning talk shows and weather all morning.

say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade."

"say it with me: "a B is not a bad grade." Think of the starving orphans in Africa who don't even have letter grades."-amy

thank you amy.

now maybe I can get on with my life. hahahaha

fragile

you know things are not quite right when the dilemmas of friday night sitcoms make you feel anxious.


stupid rudolph and your stupid voice and stupid nose noise.
why can't all of these cartoons and hallmark visions and animated dolls and claymation just stop saving christmas?


time for bed.

more from the waist pants queen

so onward to becoming the girl I loathed in high school, I am now checking online for my grades (which won't officially be posted until tomorrow) approximately every 15 minutes. Well michael got his yesterday why are mine not there yet? also because I cried when I did poorly on an exam and got a B in Language Development. Is it the girl hormones talking or am I really that upset about a B? I am neurotic, which seems better than being psychotic (which is a more applicable title) because neurosis are so hard and science based and oliver sacks-like instead of mental and intangible and guilty and irrepressible.

am I making any sense?

in other news (narcissistic hmm?),
I am getting lots of sleep....so much that I still feel sleepy all the time.
I sent out christmas cards (for real). why did I expect that doing christmas cards with michael would be a fun filled holiday event?, when really it was just us grumbling about not knowing what to write at the kitchen table and hurrying through. where is the hot chocolate sipping, christmas carol singing, warm fire, food filled table, laughter filled holiday?...just in the woman's day magazine filled with crafts you too can make at home from empty paper towel rolls, gingham fabric and buttons.
my I am on a rant today...and to think I have left this alone because I didn't think I had anything to write.

books

just in case you think I have been doing nothing with the last 6 days of no homework. Here is what I have read.
April Witch : A Novel by MAJGULL AXELSSON

also young adult books by

Gathering Blue (Readers Circle) by LOIS LOWRY

Meet the Austins (Laurel Leaf Books) by MADELEINE L'ENGLE

yes I read children's books to omany litereacy classes now not to, but I do not suggest the last one unless you reminisce of idyllic family life in the early 60's. ick. Gathering Blue is similar to the giver but not as cool and April Witch has some nice character development but I wouldn't buy it for a gift for anyone.

ideas

does anyone have any ideas for a really kick ass $40 gift for my family's cutthroat christmas extravaganza? (or one of those things where the presents get traded around the room a million times?) I am done with alcohol based gifts as I have done that route for the past 2-3 years and I am feeling like an alcoholic or like the enabler that condones someone elses...anyway. I also did funky house things and a painting by moi in the past. this year I need to go in with michael. so all ideas are welcome.

finals make me lame

I am boring because it is finals time. Too much work, too little time.
no time to read or take long tubs or to sip wine (well I squeeze that last one it a little bit). and nice michael read to me before bed last night. so sweet. southern thanksgiving was southern. there was pecan pie and sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. also lots of congratulations and bottles of champagne. what a wonderful step family.

congratulations to michele and joel on new baby Kayla.

the CEA's and one more road trip coming up.

still alive. but unable to post and be cool cause of papers ugh. so boring. I am sure to read about too.

Last night I went to the CEA's (Cincinnati Entertainment Awards). So funny, its like the academy awards but for Cincy. the video was great just like real awards ceremonies (with a beautiful female voice over and sound effects and swoopy graphics ....--and the nominees for best....--), Old St. George was too cool, with empty holy water fonts that had faucets in them (I wonder if they still work? ...would it still be holy? or is it just water now that this is a concert/event venue?) The noise echoed off the stained glass and other architectural elements that I can't remember the names of now. Michael didn't win but I had 3 glasses of wine (and its funny my cold is back full strength today....couldn't be the wine). People were dressed up in all sorts of cool attire. from hipster to ball gown to african tribal and faux pink fur stoles. and even down to me in my boring work clothes and bag heavy with books). Congratulations to Quinn! and Cathedrals who won best new artist. I hope there was time for free drinks boys.
I am glad we don't have to keep a CEA in our living room it was very ugly. Michael said I would say the same thing about his grammy. I told him he could keep it with is scoring academy award in his studio.
off to Greenville, South Carolina for thanksgiving tomorrow after work.

sorry about all of the side notes and parenthesis...lots to say and no time to type it...must write papers during pathetic lunch half hour.

just finished reading

two young adult children's books:
Holes by Louis Sachar
and
The Double Life of Zoe Flynn by Janet Lee Carey
I recommend the first for kids...the second...eh.
the first is also a suggested read aloud for both michael in the car and 4-6th graders.

also
Marie Claire...sorry the pms made me do it...what tripe...but the pictures are so colorful I can't help myself
Rolling Stone ...what can I say it came free in the mail...interesting eminem interview...also nice to see a long interview that had not been reduced to a 16point font and a serious of sound bites and exclamation points.

please send me suggestions for the break between fall and winter quarter...I will be searching for something good.

apologies

for the lack of motivation and updates. my procrastination has crept past school work and into my every day life.
other news:
-amy's wedding was a fantastic party, with beautiful cake and people and drinks and so much dancing that my lazy butt was sore the next day.
-dave's baby is huge...really as michael says "the incredible exploding baby" we love him anyway and assume his skinny tall murphy genes will arise when he reaches school ages and becomes all limbs, wrists and ankles sticking out of clothing etc. (besides that skinny babies are scary lizard people and chubby babies long to be eaten alive[in gingerbread houses?])
-john, april and puppy are like my idyllic lifestyle. cable and a puppy, a house with a yard, taking me out for dinner and drinking for a belated b-day. I had more of a life there than I have since...well since I don't know when? undergrad?
as for me...
I am drowning in homework, pms, wine, chips, and moods. an 8 of 10 is enough to bum me out for the day so less than that can make me cry. (so can cheesy commercials or just starting to try to think of how I will support myself during my year long --unpaid--internship next year) I am set up for failure. I have never gotten such good grades. ever. my dad wants to know what is different? (I guess he means from h.s. and undergrad) difference is my age I assume, I'm paying, and my work ethic has changed. Essentially I am proving something to myself. unfortunately my h.s. mediocrity was probably a protection mechanism, doing average was easy and stress free. Paper due today? I can write it during homeroom or the morning sports assembly. Now I am obsessive. I do all the reading. (really, all of it) where did this person come from?

at work

can I tell you?
that dr.pepper, with crushy ice and a straw
is like the best thing ever.
ah



also not having my thursday night class. mmmm

toner monday

today was a normal day until I reached into the fax machine in parts and yanked out the toner cartridge and proceeded to shake out the toner into the machine and all over my khakis and sweater. marvelous.
note to self....small toner cartridges cannot be shaken like BIG toner cartridges to get extra life.
half an hour later and a box of ultra size kim wipes I take out the new cartridge and holding it perfectly still, I yank out the ribbon (for toner nubees this is something you are supposed to do before you install) the rebuilt cartridge is a piece of shit and the ribbon shreds and gets stuck at the end weeping toner all over my already sad pants. (totally abnormal) I have officially been a "secretary" for 10 years now and this is ridiculous. soon I can join the rank of technologically sleepy teachers.
other than that nothing crazy
only a four day week
no class tomorrow night
no class thursday night hurrah!
not looking forward to the 10+ hour drive to the east coast thursday night. I think I will subject michael to children's books on CD. any suggestions?

p.s. happy belated b-day to sam. your presents will come never fear. love-me
gotta go back to campus to see michael's woodwind quintet in a new music concert.

garlic

I feel sorry for my neighbors, because when Michael and I start to cook the whole building smells like garlic. smells good to me, but probably gets old pretty fast when it is not the food in your kitchen. we have bruschetta, lasagna, chicken salad on the way for lunches. YUM.

oh and I got the coolest digital camera for my b-day. but I am probably too lazy to put pics on this site. However this one might have some here and there are some photographs of my old paintings there now. Warning that the site may look screwed up and is apt to change as I learn more and get more assignment for my static web programming class.

really late twenties

today is my birthday, but I have work, and then an all essay, very ungrad-like, midterm exam before any fun stuff. boo.

election anxiety

for future reference, is best quelled with beers with friends. Preferably at a bar with big tv's that serves 1/2 price drinks to voters.
***it is very important to print out the paper due tomorrow first, lest you come home several beers later and begin to make revisions.

vote

I voted. did you?

news

news of my school related anxiety is getting pretty old so, just one more thing
this morning I enjoyed the extra hour of sleep by obsessively compulsively trying to remember Cambourne's conditions in a state of half sleep and continually forgetting one or two. IMERPAF
immersion, m something, e something, r something, p something, a something, feedback. wow that was bad. I knew more of those in my sleep.
other stuff
I am mad at kate for not calling me before she headed out of louisville to pennsylvania. this is a heads up so she knows she should suck up to me on my birthday (the fourth), before we see each other at amy's wedding. also to tell her that I had dresses if she needed something to wear....
what ev er
I am such a whiny baby especially because it is not like I had time to play with so many many papers.
furthermore (I am in full on paper speak now) I spent the majority of sunday lounging/napping on the futon drinking gatorade, eating chinese food, and watching scary x-files marathon that was on about 3 channels. now I still have to finish my wednesday paper and my website. if I had a laptop I could watch tv and recover from my hangover while doing homework. yay.

speed and props

I am fighting off a killer caffeine buzz with the first of what will (I hope) be several glasses of red zin tonight. so much caffeine my hands are shaking. yay for dr. pepper 21oz. football special thing. making lists makes my paperful weekend seem do-able. I shall see. michael made 2lbs of pasta last night and our guests ate about 1/2lb. so we are having more people over tonight so I don't need to eat spaghetti and super chunky veggie sauce for the rest of my life. I NEED VARIETY. I also need more depressant or maybe a dance party for all this energy.
by the way, what are you dressing up as for halloween? if there is a party to attend I think michael and I will do a cutesy couple thing. Dionysus and some other toga wearing woman, Diana or Helen someone beautiful and ship sinking. because I have sheets and a faux laurel headpiece, and mainly because last year michael didn't have a costume, so I made him a placard that said "welcome great pumpkin!" and he carried a blue towel and wore a stripey shirt and oddly carried all night a jug of red wine. this year Dionysus will work the wine right into the costume. less like alcoholism more like needed prop.

lets worry about today, and call people radishes

so I'm sitting here thinking my life's not too bad. this is good and the result of talking to someone worse off than me right now, drinking a glass of red wine, eating a bowl of doritos, a cancelled class, and talking to other people who have completed the dreaded language development midterm, completed without throwing a clot (thanks to tom to working that graphic description into my vocabulary). back to my good old theory of not doing homework unless it is due tomorrow. and trying not to think about the rest of my life because it too, is not due tomorrow. so I am forgetting about or resigned to the fact that I will be living in cincinnati for another year, becoming a sped teacher, when really, what was I thinking!, I will have to eventually marry this boy who proposed to me. and while I like the idea of being married to my beau, the wedding itself still makes me twitch. where are we moving?, who will support me?, oh, I have to support me?! bummer. I want to sit on the couch and eat chips and read books. but really, I can take it slow and I can try to just worry about this weekend and the papers due this week and possibly those due next week. instead of things that happen next month and the month after that etc.
tonight in my sign language class a girl asked our teacher to teach us curse words so we could really start communicating and the teacher said maybe in a couple of weeks. that'll keep everyone coming back. until then I will just emphatically sign the mean signs I know that are more like things you would direct towards a toddler. NO! Stop that! radish!
yes, radish doesn't make any sense but I do know the sign for that. and date (like the fruit not the event) this is helpful. radishes make me think of fraggles and this is a sign that I really need to go to bed. (it was just a glass of wine, I swear.)

wasting away (in a very american consumer kind of way)

apparently no one in my household eats. they are one meal a day kind of people. and while we may look at menus and discuss food, eating is hypothetical, and they'll just wait til dinner. I am wasting away. and to think I didn't just leap into my usual saturday bagel sandwich routine because I didn't want to be full when everyone else was headed out to eat. but no ones going anywhere. this puts me in the position of cranky, hungry, unpleasable me that is too high maintenance to order a sandwich like this "I'll just have turkey, and I'll have roast beef" not only do I not like these meats but all the sandwich guts are the most important part. the bread, people, the bread, this is key, fresh lettuce and tomato. can't we just order pizza or chinese. vats of food could be delivered to my house and we have decided on leftovers ew. more food I don't eat. I have already ingested all of my left overs and I need to stay far far away from things michael has created in the crock pot with a side of beef or slathered in bbq sauce. ugh. the hunger. can't. type. any. longer.

anxiety papers company

my anxiety increases as this company and homework filled weekend approaches. my only solution thus far is to sneak michael's laptop around with me. movies (its soft glow lights up my face), dinner half way under the table cloth as I jot down lines. "who me? I'm not writing a paper over here." "no, no, keep telling your story. I can type and listen at the same time." that last one is for real. good for freaking out co-workers. also, can you tell I have some serious laptop envy? internet, my friend, why can't I take you everywhere I go?

bad

I can't think properly to continue writing in sentences so instead here is a list of bad dayness
1.head cold(and hurty eyes that go with head cold)
2. headache that goes with head cold and lack of caffeine.
3. forgetting to print out paper due in class today
4. begging prof to let me email it later
5. being asked my my classmate if I had beer in my waterbottle.
(if you must know it is cranberry juice with seltzer that got bubbly from bouncing around in my bag) yes, I like beer but I am in class tonight get it together lady.
6. collaborative projects (I know that is a given)
7. same classmate trying to arrange a meeting regarding collaborative project.
(nothing is due, I only have an hour and a half between work and class can't I just sit by myself, eat dinner and enjoy the free time--doing other homework. a testimony to my new level of geekiness, and if today is any indication, probably wearing uncomfy waist pants.)
8. spilling garbage juice on my pants taking out the recycling (now I probably smell like a wino, too so it only goes too well with the faux beer and bloodshot sleepy head cold eyes)
9. must clean house for future mother in law visit.
10. many papers due so many papers
enough bitching for one day right...so sorry have a good night
oh just a little more....still raining more raining keep leaving the house without an umbrella then it starts raining again. weird time of year where all buildings are either freezing no heat or suffucatingly hot. sorry really I am done.

michael says

I should use more contractions because my writing sounds too formal.
I told him I didn't care.
and then I said..."does it really seem too formal?"
then he proceeded to read my last three weeks worth of entries laughing out loud occasionally and pointing out my typos.
so I need to point out here that the guy at work I mentioned ealier in the week, his name really is acy. that wasn't a typo.
and I will try to fix some of the others.
also that my favorite quote from last night came out of matthew. "michael doesn't mean to be an asshole." all in good fun. its just easier to live your life your own way and be the bitch or the asshole sometimes. rather than tiptoe around worried about what everyone else is thinking. or (more specifically) what everyone else is thinking of you.

the "c" word

went to one of michael's classes last night (music practicum) in order to scarf up free pizza. really I went cause I am dorky and I think it is fun to watch live performers breathe life into new works. this quarters class is a ...wait for it....collaboration between not just musicians and composers, but also dancers. It was refreshing to see people make this collaboration thing work. I had to take a 3 credit class about collaboration and when I hear the word I tend to run screaming out of the room. maybe it is just easier when it is not my work. I am not overprepared and cursing under my breathe at those underprepared. or underprepared and scrambling to make it look like I know what I am doing. in this project the dance was choreographed and videotaped and the music composed to the movement. things were moving along, dancers were dancing or stretching out all over the floor the way dancers relax, music was flowing, a bit undertempo but things were really moving along until the last piece. and one composers need to unleash a 20 minute diatribe on open bar improvisation, why he didn't have a copy of his own score, why his piece really could not be conducted or danced to ....several successive attempts to conduct the dancers to the CD instead of conducting the cello, piano and flute. I stole a pen to start frantically writing. I needed something in my hand to keep me from strangling this person and running off before the pizza arrived. ack! collaboration my nemesis strikes again.

guys named boone

while stuffing envelopes at work today. (because sometimes I like the mindless stuff when it fills the end of my day. that way I save some brains and energy for class) I noticed that guys in the shop have names like boone and acy. this also reminded me of a customer that I sent a manual to last week, first name...sharky. are these nicknames, do you think? like the guys my dad worked with...pea head, goph, nasty, or is this an actual choice by the family? I have to wonder if having a name like sharky or ace sets you up for a rough time, or creates the playground bully. just like ashley...doesn't it just sound prissy. now to avoid any untoward anger from those named ashley it is not so different from nancy. when I found out that my name is used to describe "sissy" boys, I was not too suprised.

lunch

yesterday I ate lunch in Spring Grove cemetery. "by yourself?" Michael asked "sushi." I replied
my own lunch plans were starting my paper and answering phones. but when lunch plans including me happened around me, I didn't argue. I kind of wanted to. I normally do. But since I had barely glimpsed the sun, last homework plagued weekend, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to spend time outside. It was one of those fall days that seems cold but feels wonderful when the sun is out. there were ducks and fish in the pond. we sat on a monument while we ate. I love the idea that cemeteries used to be gathering places. picnic places. I like the day of the dead rituals. feeding your departed and sprinkling marigold petals. this cemetery is out of the ordinary. people still hang out there. they go jogging. the cemetery offers tours. much better than having lunch at my desk.

to think

too tired from school work to think, much less come up with anything interesting to say. all of my collaborative projects this quarter are dragging me under. and it is only the 3rd week of class. so here is my weekend.
work, eat, drink, sleep....sometimes with tv thrown in there for good measure
today I took a break and went to go see Shaun of the Dead. It is the funniest, gory horror flick. totally worth the hours of schoolwork not done and the free tickets cost.
then michael and I went to Matthew's for the chinese food extravaganza. thanks to Michelle for the extra dumplings. yum.
I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel. running and running all day and still ending up in the same place. I need to find a new tactic to deal with all of this work and the scheduling headaches that come with it. (that tactic should not be margaritas)

better

starting to feel more like me today. maybe its my pretty nails. or the prospect of dinner out tonight and this weekends chinese food extravaganza (with michelle's dumplings). whatever it is, you know I am in a warped good mood when even the prospect of the hated satellite campus class doesn't seem too bad.

mani pedi

so I went tonight with mari for mani pedi. my first pedicure. so this is supposed to be my pampered and relaxed evening and I dropped my wallet in the feet whirlpool. how? I have no idea. I think it was in my lap and it slipped or something. I can never explain these things. how sad. do these kind of things happen to other people? because by now, I figure it is just sort of the way I top off an evening.

necessary

is this really necessary?
"Ambiguous words or phrases need to be disambiguated "
from http://online.sfsu.edu/~kbach/spchacts.html
Kent Bach, Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry
SPEECH ACTS

waist pants and my head exploding

I remembered the tea today, but recently have been feeling out of sorts. it is getting cold and I am still trying to wear summer clothes. today I wore wool pants. waist pants, amy. ew. last night, michael reminded me that my birthday was approaching. it is sad, that I have to be reminded. and that as 28 approaches I feel like a lady that wears waist pants and her hair in a messy ponytail. I feel way too detached from good looks and fashion and way too close to mom hair and cat ladies. I don't want shopping to be the answer so recently red wine and chips have tried to fill in. I want to go to the emerald city and have someone buff my body like the tin man and even "dye my eyes to match my gown". that is just pathetic but I don't feel up to any beauty regimen beyond basic hygiene. can't someone book me a good haircut and manicure (not you michael, I am still pining for the digital camera) this may be due to the fact that my head is trying to explode. school, work, observations, fall allergies, and an intense amount of anxiety stemming from these things. All A's in my program so far....only place to go is down. the worst is when I ask people from my classes if they did the reading?, did they think it was difficult?, are they ready for the next project? etc. they seem detached. they don't do the reading, they already did the project, or worse they forgot there even was one but they don't seemed bothered by this. I have turned into one of the annoying girls in high school. homework nazi with waist pants. at least I have the tasty red wine.

hot tea

going to work early this quarter.
so I wait this morning for the kettle to boil.
nice hot to-go mug of tea, milk sugar, lid.
left sitting on the kitchen counter
so I guess today is a decaffeinated kind of day, as I sip cold water at my desk.

disambiguating

is it really necessary to use the word disambiguating twice in one article?